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Transformers v. The Dukes |
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I was reading on the internet yesterday, and I discovered an article detailing how Transformers are making a comeback.
This is earth-shattering news. Are you kidding me? I still remember the best Christmas ever: 1985, when my grandparents came through with the entire set of Constructicons. My brother and I played with them until I was twenty-fiv...ten years old. This article got me thinking: how would my favorite toy match up against my favorite television show from the same era, the Dukes of Hazzard? Let's rock. Wise Patriarch Transformers: Optimus Prime Dukes of Hazzard: Uncle Jesse This is a great matchup. On one side you have the powerful Optimus Prime; leader of the Autobots, and an 18-wheeler to boot. On the other you have Uncle Jesse Duke; head of the Duke clan and elder statesman of Hazzard County. OP was a sleek fighting machine, while ol' Uncle Jesse had to rely on the cousins or Daisy to get the job done. I'm going to throw this one to the Transformers. Edge: Transformers Evil Leader Transformers: Megatron Dukes of Hazzard: Boss Hogg Megatron is immediately handicapped because my mom never would buy me him because he changed into a gun. Neither of these two were very bright; Boss was so consumed by money and greed that he couldn't think straight. Man, he knew how to eat though. On the other hand, Megatron turned into an inanimate object, so he wasn't very mobile. Boss was fat but could at least hop into his white Cadillac and move around if he had to. Edge:Dukes Straight-Edge Good Guy Transformers: Prowl Dukes of Hazzard: Luke Both of these guys were the voice of reason with their almost-equal counterparts (read below). Prowl was well-respected within the Autobots, and a fearless fighter for his cause. Luke wore the blue shirt, and the General Lee tended to crash less when he was driving. Plus, Tom Wopat went on to become the host of Music City Tonight on TNN. Don't ask me how I know this. Edge: Dukes Loose Cannon Transformers: Jazz Dukes of Hazzard: Bo Jazz was a smooth character, and Optimus Prime's right-hand man, although his antics often got the Autobots in trouble. Bo was cool, and especially smooth with the ladies. However, do you remember the episode where Bo was hypnotized by Boss Hogg, and then Luke beat his ass? That was scary. When the game is on the line, I want the ball in Jazz's hands, even though on Halloween last year I went as Bo, and Salazar was Luke. Edge: Transformers. Evil Wild Card Transformers: Starscream Dukes of Hazzard: Sherriff of Chickasaw County Starscream makes no secret of his ambition to overthrow Megatron as Decepticon Leader. He is ruthless, cold-blooded and cruel. The Sherriff has almost as much contempt for Boss Hogg as he does for the Dukes. That said, he wasn't really a factor until they crossed the county line, thus violating their probation. Plus, he was only in about four episodes a season, and never won the car chase. Edge: Transformers. Reliable Evil Guy Transformers: Soundwave Dukes of Hazzard: Roscoe P. Coltrane Roscoe was a bumbling idiot, but he was loyal to Boss. Soundwave was pure evil, but I always wondered what would happen if one of those tapes in his tape deck turned against him and started attacking him from the inside. Would he have to press "rewind" to fight them? I never got Soundwave but my friend Jeff had him, and I always borrowed him when he took Optimus Prime. Edge: Dukes Gay Guy Transformers: Bumblebee Dukes of Hazzard: Enos I know that Enos supposedly married Daisy, but that was a cover-up marriage. They don't accept gay folk down in Hazzard County. Look at the dude: of course he had to be a lawman, because he'd be a sitting duck in prison. Bumblebee fucking sucked. A yellow Volkswagen? Give me a break. He was always getting in the way. If you had that toy, you were gay too, or at least a girl. Probably grew up to work for Maxim. Edge: Dukes Really Big Character: Transformers: Constructicons Dukes of Hazzard: Catherine Bach Did you see Daisy in the reunion movie? She was a house. Edge: Transformers At this point, we have a tie, with four points each. Time to pull out the ol' tiebreaker: The Coy and Vance Era. This was the biggest fucking atrocity in television history. John Schneider and Tom Wopat were on strike, so they brought in these assholes. All they did was make the dark-haired guy (Vance) wear Bo's yellow shirt, and vice-versa. This is television? I cried every night. And they treated the General like shit. They didn't know how to drive. I think in one episode they even used a turn signal. Winner: Transfomers. Preston Seider |
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