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Melrose Place vs. Motown |
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Ever since I moved to Los Angeles, all I hear about is the damn Lakers. They've won the last two NBA championships, granted, and I know that they're good. However, it irritates me because I have to listen to this crap from schmucks who aren't real sports fans anyway. Nobody actually likes the Lakers, they just hear it talked about on sports radio, and they can name Shaq and Kobe. In a pinch, a highly observant fan can identify Rick Fox's wife (Deneice Williams). Celebrities go to the Lakers games for the scene, not the sport.
Don't get me wrong; there are a lot of people in Los Angeles who know a lot about sports, but they're just not Lakers fans. They're Clippers fans, or Dodgers fans, or Kings fans. Being from Detroit, I'm sick of hearing about the Lakers. What about the REAL best team in the land, the Detroit Red Wings? I'll bet they could beat the pansy Lakers. Let's take this to the ultimate test, and give me a chance to talk about my all-time favorite show, Melrose Place. Which team can sport the best characters in a Melrose Place re-make (oh please God)? Let's go head-to-head The Main Man Melrose Character: Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner) Red Wings: Steve Yzerman Lakers: Shaquille O'Neal Dr. Burns always gave off that air of confidence, as if he always knew something that the others didn't. Nobody at 4616 Melrose had more championships than Peter, when you can include Amanda Woodward, Kimberly, Lexi, and the chick from the last season (played by TV's Rena Sofer). The Captain Steve Yzerman and Shaq both have two rings apiece, but Stevie is the wily veteran, while Shaq tends to lose his temper and has trouble getting along with Kobe from time-to-time. I know that Dr. Burns didn't always get along with Dr. Michael Mancini, but Burns was the Chief of Staff at Wilshire Memorial, so it didn't matter. Edge: Red Wings The Aging-yet-Sexy Veteran Melrose Character: Amanda Woodward Red Wings: Luc Robitaille or Brendan Shannahan Lakers: Rick Fox Heather Locklear's addition as a "special guest star" on Melrose Place skyrocketed the show to super-stardom. She may have been a little past her prime for a soap opera, but it didn't matter. You couldn't take your eyes off her, and she often stole the scene. Lucky Luc and Brendan are both reknowned snipers in the NHL, and are both members of the 500-goal club. They've been around forever, and you know they've got some gas in the tank. Rick Fox is not particularly good, and his wife is annoying, but he's always hanging around, and if you leave him open he'll score. Of course, even if you didn't leave her open, Amanda Woodward was going to score. And so was Dr. Burns. Edge: Red Wings The "Please Leave Already" Character Melrose Place: Allison Parker Red Wings: Igor Larionov Lakers: Mitch Richmond Allison was cool for about three episodes, then she began her legendary career of being the show's biggest buzzkill. She was always crying or bitching to Billy or Jake, and she could never figure anything out. Amanda would treat her like a bitch at D&D Advertising, and she just accepted the abuse. She didn't know when to throw in the towel. Igor was a member of the 1997 and 1998 Stanley Cup Champions, but he's been past his prime for some time now. Mitch Richmond averages 4.4 points/game. What? He was in Run TMC, for crying out loud! He kills the pace when he's on the floor. At least Igor can still distribute the puck. Edge: Red Wings The Young Stud With Unlimited Potential Melrose Place: Jake Hanson Red Wings: Pavel Datsyuk Lakers: Kobe Bryant There was no stopping rugged Jake Hanson when it came to the ladies. As the owner of Shooter's and a motorcyle enthusiast, he was the bad boy who made the girls swoon. He nailed Amanda, Jo (ok, you can't win them all), and Jane Mancini during her unbelievable shoulder-length hair period. He also knocked up Allison, which is notable because she left the show shortly thereafter. Let's not forget Kelly Taylor from 90210. Pavel Datsyuk is only 23, which is about ten years below the average age of the Red Wings. The Lakers have Kobe Bryant. He is arguably the best player in the league. To discuss it further would be overkill. Edge: Lakers The Frustrating Idiot Melrose Place: Billy Campbell Red Wings: Sergei Fedorov Lakers: Samaki Walker Is there a dumber look in television history than the one Andrew Shue made famous as Billy Campbell? There was no situation that would take place without the quizzical half-smile frown and squinty eyes of D&D's youngest executive. Billy had so much potential, yet he just always seemed to be on the business end of a stupid move. He kept dating Allison, he let Brooke get drunk and die, and he tried to use Amanda, only to have her take him out in the future. The ladies manipulated him time and again. Sergei won the MVP in 1994, but since then has consistenly played below his skill level. He lets Anna Kournikova date his best friend (Pavel Bure) and mess with his head. Samaki Walker is a poor man's William Bedford. He could be so good if he just wasn't...so stupid. Edge: Red Wings The Lovable Evil Guy Melrose Place: Dr. Michael Mancini Red Wings: Brett Hull Lakers: Robert Horry Time and again, you knew that Michael was going to get himself into trouble. He cheated on Jane, then dated her sister Sydney, married Kimberly, then cheated on her with a young Denice Richards. He nailed Amanda. He tried tricking Peter into thinking he had "rage epilepsy" so he could become Chief of Staff. All the while, you couldn't stay mad at him because he just kept winning you over with his charm. Brett Hull is a 600-goal scorer, and although he hasn't gotten along with 100% of his head coaches, you can't help but root for him on the Wings. Robert Horry is a dirty, punch-throwing bastard, but what a sweet shot, eh? Edge: Red Wings Bandwagonner Melrose Place: Jo Red Wings: Steve Duchesne Lakers: Lindsay Hunter Jo sucked. All she ever did was bitch at Jake, and she wasn't hot, and there were no good plots revolving around her. She just wanted to be on Melrose Place. Lindsay and Steve Duchesne suck, and they just want a championship ring. At least Lindsay can still pass and is a former Piston; Steve Duchesne gets treated like a turnstile by the opposing offense. Edge: Lakers In a killer upset, the Detroit Red Wings beat the Los Angeles Lakers 5-2. I'm sure critics will say that the Lakers won't panic because they'll just turn it up a notch for the playoffs, but as a sports fan I want to see a team give their full effort every game. The Detroit Red Wings are the epitome of all that is good in sports. Preston Seider |
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