Me: Hi, I am calling to confirm my interview today with Mr. Feldman Publicist (who I am assuming is his mom): Who is this? Me: Sidearms from the Paper Bag Review Publicist: What is the Paper Bag Review? Did you schedule this interview? Me: Um, no actually, but seriously, how busy can he be? Doesn't he take walk-ins? Publicist: Corey is in the midst of a US tour with his band. You need to schedule an interview with him if you want one. Me: A tour? Crap. Well, is Corey Haim available? Publicist: I don't handle Mr. Haim's bookings. Me: Can I get an 8x10 autographed glossy of the Coreys together? Publicist: I am very busy. Please call back at another time. Me: Have you seen 'License to Drive?' Publicist: Goodbye

10:08am: After a hearty breakfast of toast and a Jell-O pudding snack, I decide to head over to the "Official Corey Feldman Website" to see if I can salvage an interview. It's not www.coreyfeldman.com mind you, but rather http://www.hooloovoo.com/feldman/. Maybe someone snagged the rights to coreyfeldman.com before he could get to it? Hmm…nope, it's not registered. I guess when you are a huge celebrity, $8 a year to register a domain name is a lot.



10:10am: Page Loading…either my modem is slow as molasses or there is a whole lotta Corey comin' my way when this page loads.

10:12am: Consensus: My modem is dirt slow. In other news, my first impression of the site: "breathtaking." Page looks similar to the very first homepage one would make…if they had just discovered computers and had no concept of complimentary color schemes. However, there is a nice warning advising me not to steal any of the "artwork"….dammit all, nothing's going my way today!

10:17am: Risking potential blindness, I decide to peruse the site to see if I can find the answers to my interview questions somewhere on the site

10:17.32am: Well I'll be damned…Corey is in the midst of a US tour right now. For those PBR fans in Dunbury, CT, Corey will be playing the "world famous" Tuxedo Junction on June 26th and Jimmy's Haunt in Morristown, NJ on June 27th. Hmmm…seems as though there is a possible PBR review coming your way when Corey and the Gang play The Coach House in San Juan Capistrano on July 25th.

10:19am: Corey recorded some songs with Rick Springfield?! The 80s mega-powers reign supreme

10:58am: Jackpot! I found the links to some past Corey interviews. Luckily I also encountered the link to the "Ultimate Corey Feldman Shirtless Shrine." I bet that site is getting a record amount of hits. Anyway, on to the interview…(Note: Don't be fooled into thinking it took this long to find the interviews. I had to take a quick 30-minute break to play some 'noes on Yahoo! Games)

The Definitive Interview: Corey Feldman

OQ: Original question asked during initial interview SQ: Sidearms simplifies the question to serve his own needs CF: Corey Feldman's answer

OQ: Have you ever spent the night in jail?
SQ: Let's get down to business. Have you ever gone to jail?
CF: No.

OQ: Corey, did you have a weapons charge against you at one time?
SQ: Not even in a game of Monopoly? That seems unlikely, given the probability and all…
CF: No

OQ: So you have never been brought to jail, you know, like not even for the night?
SQ: So then I can write-up that you, Corey Feldman, have never gone to jail and I won't get sued for libel or misrepresentation?
CF: Well, no, I mean, I've spent several hours in jail during, you know, the arrest back in 1989, or 1990 rather, um, but not since then.

OQ: Because in your song "De-Pressed" from the Truth Movement cd, you mention River Phoenix.
SQ: So which is it?
CF: Mm hmm

OQ: Because in your song "De-Pressed" from the Truth Movement cd, you mention River Phoenix.
SQ: For crying out loud, yes or no?
CF: Yeah, Sure.

OQ: How into drugs were you, Corey Feldman?
SQ: No need to be standoff-ish, Corey. OK, onto a lighter subject. I heard you won a 'bobbing for apples' contest on the set of "License to Drive." How far down was the deepest apple you had to get?
CF: Very. I was at the bottom of the barrel.

The Coreys with a not-yet-hot Heather Graham

OQ: How is Corey Haim? SQ: Interesting. Speaking of "License to Drive," how is Corey Haim? CF: Corey Haim's good. He's basically just getting his life together and, you know, resurrecting himself, as a human being, and with his career.

OQ: "Spiraling Downward Part 1": "I'm spiraling downward, I'm spiraling down." Were you in rehab with Corey Haim?
SQ: I gotta be honest…that E! True Hollywood Story on him scared the bejesus out of me, but his dad did raise a good point: Corey is an Oscar caliber actor, don't you think?
CF: Uh, no

OQ: Well, Corey Feldman, back to the cd, back to the words in "De-Pressed," "You had it all, you took a fall, and now you ain't worth nothing at all."
SQ: That's a pretty harsh thing to say about your friend…I mean, he thought your work in 'Meatballs 4' was outstanding. Anyway, on to the rapid-fire questions: Corey, if you come to stoplight, and it's red, which direction can you proceed to make a turn, assuming you have come to a complete stop and there is no sign prohibiting it?
CF: Right.

OQ: But you still got the part of the voice of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
SQ: Correct. Now, in the 1986 movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," there is a song by the band Yello that goes: Bomp Bomp, ________, chicka chick-ah! Fill in the blank
CF: Oh, yeah

OQ: Like, your band on the new Gong Show!
SQ: Correct. Last one-There is a song by KC and the Sunshine Band that goes "That's the way, ______, I like it." Please fill in the blank
CF: Uh huh

OQ: Like Ike Turner?
SQ: Judges? Apparently that's not acceptable…there was another phrase you missed…
CF: Uh huh

OQ: Now, your brand new cd, Corey Feldman's Truth Movement, Still Searching for Soul is amazing!
SQ: Sorry…too little, too late. The answer is "Uh huh, Uh huh." Better luck next time. Anyway, thank you for your time, and be sure to say hello to cHaim for us.
CF: Thank you

OK, so this wasn't the in-depth interview I was hoping to have. However, I did:

1. Get the answers to my questions, even if they were taken out of context from the original interview
   
2. Provide the PBR reading public with enough Corey Feldman info to last them a lifetime

Perhaps it might be easier to get an interview with a porn star...but then again, they are usually working. If you are interested in reading the actual interview with Corey Feldman, it can be found here:

http://www.popsmear.com/popculture/features/23.0/nard.html

Be sure to send other possible interview suggestions to sidearms@paperbagreview.com

Until Next Time,
Sidearms