I got involved in a discussion with a colleague the other day who was telling me that Miami Vice was one of the premier shows of the 1980s, and it got me to thinking: How would Miami Vice stack up against one of the greatest police action/drama series' of the 1990s (or all-time for that matter)—Silk Stalkings?

Well, as we here at the Paper Bag Review have shown, there is only one way to provide an unbiased conclusion to questions of this nature—the head to head battle. So without further ado, off we go…

Gritty Loose Cannon Who Occasionally Bends the Rules:
Silk Stalkings: Sgt. Chris Lorenzo
Miami Vice: Sonny Crockett

On paper, this is a tough one to decide:

1. Both had incredible on-screen presence
2. Both wore flashy sport coats
3. Both had no trouble bedding the ladies
4. Both were hard-nosed, street-wise and followed their instincts
5. Both were born in crappy states (MO for Johnson, VA for Estes)

However, Rob Estes married the stunning Josie Bissett, whereas Don Johnson married Melanie Griffith, not once, but twice.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Token Minority Sidekick:
Silk Stalkings: Sgt. Rita Lance
Miami Vice: Ricardo Tubbs

Both Rita Lance and Ricardo Tubbs were the token minorities on the police force…her being a woman, and him being an ethnic minority. Few names in TV are as funny as Ricardo Tubbs, (Frank Ponchorello from ChiPs and Freddie "Rerun" Stubbs from "What's Happenin' come to mind, but I digress) but then again, few homicide detectives are as good-looking as Rita Lance (not that I know a lot of homicide detectives, but it's a decent assumption). I guess it just boils down to who you would need to bat in the #9 slot to fill out the line-up for your co-rec softball team…girl-boy-girl-boy-girl-boy-girl-boy-GIRL

Edge: Silk Stalkings

The Man in Charge:
Silk Stalkings: Captain Harry Lipschitz
Miami Vice: Lt. Martin Castillo

Edward James Olmos brought a lot to the role of Lt. Martin Castillo, and his role in "Stand and Deliver" won critical appraise. However, I think I read somewhere that he was brought up on domestic abuse charges a few years back, and we here at PBR can't support someone like that. When Charlie Brill took over for Ben Vereen as the resident Captain of the Palm Beach PD, the show definitely took a turn for the better. In addition to that, did you see the captivating performance Lipschitz brought to the table in the episode where Lorenzo dies? No? Well, all you need to know is it was truly gripping.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Notable Guest Star:
Silk Stalkings: Nancy Valen
Miami Vice: Sheen Easton, as Caitlin Davies-Crockett

Sheena brought celebrity appeal to the show, resulting from her off-the-charts music career, her fiery red locks and her quirky Scottish accent. On the other hand, Nancy Valen played the school nurse Zack and Slater had crushes on in that very special episode of "Saved by the Bell," and she is downright foxy.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Colleagues Displaying Sexual Tension:
Silk Stalkings: Lorenzo/Lance
Miami Vice: Crockett/Tubbs

You mean you didn't sense the sexual tension between Crockett and Tubbs? It's most likely because they were hiding it. Call me crazy, but I think the definite edge in this one goes to Lorenzo/Lance.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Typical Episode Caseload:
Silk Stalkings: Crimes of Passion
Miami Vice: Drugs. Prostitution, Money Laundering, Gambling

Hmmm…watching a lot of sex scenes and beautiful people, OR watching Tubbs infiltrate a money laundering operation? Bonus points to the Silk writers for not noticeably reusing the same plotline over and over again.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Location:
Silk Stalkings: Palm Beach, FL
Miami Vice: Miami, FL

Silk Stalkings was supposed to take place in Palm Beach, FL but was actually filmed in San Diego, CA. Thinking back, this makes a lot of sense. I visited Palm Beach back in '98, and I have to be honest—it's the size of a strip mall. For all those crimes of passion to occur, every single person in town would have to be good looking and killing their mistresses. Unfortunately, that isn't the case, so based only on a realistic portrayal of the city, you have to go with Miami Vice here.

Edge: Miami Vice

Network:
Silk Stalkings: CBS/USA
Miami Vice: NBC

Yeah, sure…NBC is a major network that now brings us the likes of "Friends" and "Just Shoot Me" these days, but when Silk Stalkings was on USA, you could catch those commercials for sex lines and previews for the next USA "Up All Night" marathon.

Edge: Silk Stalkings

THE TIE-BREAKER (needed only if weighing the Location category seven times more important than the others)

Post Graduate Work:
Rob Estes: Melrose Place / Mitzi Kapture: Baywatch
Don Johnson: Nash Bridges / Philip Michael Thomas: McDonald's

Let's do some quick math: On "Nash Bridges," Don Johnson has gotten to work with the likes of Cheech, a coked-up Yasmine Bleeth and wrestling icon Stone Cold Steve Austin. On the other hand, Rob Estes has worked with Heather Locklear, Josie Bissett, Alyssa Milano and Dr. Peter Burns, Jack Wagner. The early edge here is slightly favoring Mr. Estes. Now let's pit the other two head to head for the final tally:

Philip Michael Thomas has worked with some pesky 16-year old high school punks who can't remember to hold the pickle on your burger, whereas Mitzi Kapture has worked with former Days of our Lives beauty Krista Allen and Knight Rider himself, David Hasselhoff

Edge: Silk Stalkings

Well, there you have it folks…it was a "close" match-up, but "Silk Stalkings" has come out on top. This is great news for me because it allows me to mention that Rob Estes is married to Josie Bissett(1), who was on Melrose Place with Alyssa Milano(2), who was on Charmed with Shannen Doherty(3), who was on Beverly Hills 90210 with Tori Spelling(4), who was a guest star on Saved by the Bell which used to star T.K. Carter(5), who used to be on the show Punky Brewster, with, you guessed it…Soleil Moon Frye(6). Six degrees of separation, and six weeks running with Soleil Moon Frye…sometimes it's just too easy. Send all tasty chili recipes to sidearms@paperbagreview.com.

Until Next Time…Tally Ho!
Sidearms