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The Hollywood In-Seider

Hollywood is a town full of stars. Movies, television, music, Crab Nebula…they come from all over. The entertainment industry makes billions each year, and most of that product is created right here in Los Angeles. Many Americans devour trade magazines and television shows like Entertainment Weekly, People, Access Hollywood, and Hollywood Squares. Why? Because Joe Everyman is fascinated with the famous. The only problem is that Joe can't always get access to the hot spots because Hollywood is a fickle group – one day you're in, the next day you're creating a video called "Me, Myself, and I."

(Editor's Note: this is a reference to the home video made by Corey Haim in 1990 to let Hollywood know he had kicked drugs and was back in the game)

Times have changed. Periodically I will give Joe Everyman an inside look into the places-to-be in Hollywood. I'll mingle with the stars, check out the hottest clubs and bars, and I will do it anonymously so that I don't get the star treatment.

I am Preston -- and I am the Hollywood In-Seider.

Date: March 8, 2002
Location: Standard Lounge on Sunset

Background:
If you read Ted Casablancas on E! Online every week like I do, you know that the Standard Lounge is the hippest place in Hollywood these says. Young stars like Vinnie Vaughn, Tobey Maguire, Tara Reid, and D-Schwim have all spent considerable time here recently. Located in the swank Standard Hotel at the corner of Sunset and Sweetzer (the hotel also contains Rudy's Barber Shop, where Preston gets his hair cut once a month), the lounge is right in the heart of the famous Sunset Strip. Within two blocks you can hit Dublins, Miyagi's, the aforementioned SaddleRanch, or the cajun restaurant across the street where I met Fabio last summer.

He was wearing a leather vest and no shirt. It was awesome. I mean, when you meet Fabio, that's the kind of thing you'd expect. Kind of like all of those "Is Elvis Alive" specials on TV a while back, and every time he was spotted he was wearing a white Vegas jumpsuit.

The Scene:
The Standard Lounge is a bit hipster...long lines at the door, everyone wondering why they should know you, expensive drinks. I went there with a friend of mine, who happens to be a hot chick, and therefore we didn't wait long to get past the velvet ropes. Keep in mind that they didn't know it was Preston Seider; it was just some random hot chick with a stunningly handsome yet anonymous companion on a Friday night. The place was packed with three types:

Hollywood scene regulars, who were busy trying to look bored or talking on cell phones

Scene vets, but newbie enough to still wander around trying to figure out if they should be talking to someone else (like my companion; I was low on her list). This always kills me about Los Angeles. No one is interested in to whom they are talking; they're interested in to whom they SHOULD be talking. Try reading this column, the whole time wishing you were reading Brandon Iron's. You catch my drift.

First-time scenesters. These guys are great. Calling friends on cell phones (I think I just saw Jared Leto!), talking to random strangers (a definite no-no in LA; this is a dead giveaway that they don't need to know you), hanging out front and bragging to the people still waiting in line.

Décor:
It was all dark and shit, like most VIP clubs in Los Angeles. Weird ass chairs and little couches all over the place, little coffee tables placed just so that you fall on your ass while trying to impress the ladies (as if my hooded sweatshirt/Pumas combo wasn't impressive enough). Not too many drugged-up people, which is nice. Most people weren't drinking that much, obviously staying alert for a possible Tara-Reid-in-whore-makeup sighting. I fit into this group. Drinks:
Expensive as hell, but per the norm. I paid $18 for an Amstel Light (uh, for the lady) and a vodka and cranberry (uh, also for the lady). I switched to waters after that; I need to get with C. Alexander about a bigger expense account.

Service:
The bouncers here were nice enough, considering the tools waiting in line. One guy was on a power-trip, but no more than your standard bouncer. The other two guys were actually pretty cool, although I think they knew who I was. The bartenders were very attentive, but too busy to be friendly. I gave one of them the ol' "Can I be your bomb-sniffing dog? Cuz you DA BOMB!" line, but it didn't work. Odd.

Celebrities:
Eliza Dushku – very hot, and always cool when I run into her (OK, twice so far. Shut up)
Meredith Monroe – she used to be on Dawson's Creek….according to some chicks I know
Green Day – Mike Dirnt (bass) and Tre Cool (drums). Fucking awesome. It helps that I have every album ever, and I've seen them four times.

Overall: I recommend the Standard Lounge for the time being, although I can see it fading quickly. It's not really a cool enough venue – it's only cool because of the people – so it doesn't have enough to keep the interest once Young Hollywood bails in favor of the Paper Bag Lounge (coming soon!). Once business dies down I'm sure they'll turn it into a coat room or something. If you are a guy, I would recommend bringing some fine ladies, in at least a 2-1 Girl/Guy ratio. If you are just a group of guys, break up. You will never get in. Not everyone is a Paper Bag affiliate.

Email me at pseider@paperbagreview.com if you'd like to suggest a venue for me to check out in a coming Hollywood In-Seider. I am merely here to serve you.

Preston Seider

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