Well, it's that time of year--time for Hollywood to roll out all of their big-budget summer blockbusters. I spent my Sunday night at a screening of one of this summer's most hyped flicks ("Spiderman"), and before it even started, I saw previews for two more former cartoons/comics that will be hitting the big screen in the near future--"Hulk" and "Scooby Doo." Anyway, I couldn't help but notice that with the current trend of cartoons going to the big screen, no one has taken charge to start production on the only sure-fire blockbuster of them all--The Smurfs. Well, I couldn't wait any longer so I have decided to start the casting process myself. Now, not only will this film feature some of the "greatest" actors of our generation, but our goal is for it to have a smaller budget than any of the aforementioned films. Off we go...

Note: All casting is under the assumption that Hollywood has in its bag of tricks the ability to make all these actors look three apples high, the actual height of the Smurfs. If for some reason they don't, then obviously the roles will be distributed arbitrarily between Warwick Davis, Vern Troyer, the Ewoks from "Return of the Jedi" and the rest of the little people from the movie Willow.

	Papa Smurf: The resident patriarch of the Smurf clan when Grandpa Smurf is away from the village. Papa's prestige is denoted by a red hat, red pants and a fluffy white beard. Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the Smurf Played by: Sean Connery Very few actors in Hollywood these days can pull off a beard, so when Mr. Connery came in for his test screening, we knew he had the look we wanted. Plus, I mean, is there anything funnier than reading Smurf dialogue with a Scottish accent? If Connery backs out, we are going to our Plan B: Mr. Wizard...you know, because he is good with potions.
	Gargamel: The evil sorcerer; arch-nemesis to all things Smurfy Favorite Pastime: Smurfing for Smurf Village Played by: Willem Dafoe Gargamel is not an attractive man, and word on the street is that Willem Dafoe isn't going to be gracing the cover of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" issue anytime soon either. Plus, they have similar creepy voices
	Azrael: The misunderstood, not-so-crafty feline companion to Gargamel Favorite Food: Smurfs Played by: PBR's very own P-Money P-Money embraced the challenge of playing a cat that is noticeably less intelligent (and willing to chase after its food) so much that he has already enlisted a personal trainer to get in better shape...um, I mean worse shape...whatever.
	Hefty Smurf: The winner of the Smurf's Strongest Man competition Favorite Workout: The Clean and Smurf Played by: The Rock He has a tattoo of a Brahma Bull on his arm; Hefty has a tattoo of a heart...you say potayto, I say potahto...
	Brainy Smurf: The four-eyed, "know-it-all" tattle-tale of the Smurf community Favorite Phrase: "Like Papa Smurf always says…" Played by: Rick Moranis, of "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" fame Moranis is essentially the human equivalent of Brainy Smurf, and I don't think he has worked since "Honey I Blew Up the Kids" or whatever it was called...so he will be hungry for work.
	Handy Smurf: The resident handyman of Smurf Village; there is no contraption he couldn't make given the right kind of wood. Favorite Lumber: Smurfhogany Played by: Richard Dean Anderson, TV's MacGuyver Some people were just born to play a role. It may take him awhile to get adjusted to a pencil resting on his ear, but those are the challenges that real actors love
	Smurfette: The blond-haired sexpot originally created by Gargamel to corrupt the Smurfs and destroy them. Favorite Article of Clothing: Tailor Smurf's custom white Smurf Dress Played by: Soleil Moon Frye Seriously, did you think I'd cast someone else? Smurfette had blonde hair, so raven-haired Soleil bleached her hair to become "Smurfette" for the audition. That is dedication to your thespianism folks...I hope all you young wannabe actors and actresses are paying attention
	Greedy Smurf: The culinary artist of Smurf Village. Favorite Ingredient: Smurfberries Played by: Joe E. Tata, 90210's Peach Pit Owner Nat Bussicio Nobody is going to bake a better pie than the former proprietor of the Peach Pit. Plus, it would be interesting to see how a Megaburger would taste with Smurfberries instead of sweet onions...
	Clumsy Smurf: The "coordinationally-challenged" Smurf Favorite Lyric: "Bow wow wow, yippee yo yippee yay, Clumsy Smurf in the mutha fuckin hayouse!" Played by: Snoop Dogg Nobody can be that clumsy without being high, so we figured that after the 25 or so blunts a day that Snoop smokes, he could really feel the role. Plus, there is a slight chance that he will bring his flock of ho's, adding some west coast street cred to the set.
	Jokey Smurf: The local prankster known for delivering exploding presents to unknowing Smurf colleagues. Favorite Gag: Exploding Presents Played by: TV's Dave Coulier Big budget comedy with a low sticker price. Who else is going to entertain the crew with his Popeye impression while working for the industry minimum?
	Vanity Smurf: The mirror brandishing, not fully out-of- the-closet Smurf Favorite Lid: A Smurf cap with a white flower Played by: Barry Manilow Just looking at Vanity Smurf, you kind of get the feeling that he has the song "Copacabana" playing in his head all the time, don't you? Not that there's anything wrong with that..."Her name was Lola...she was a show girl..."

Well, there you have it folks. According to my quick calculations, the budget for the film is about $5 million ($4.5 million for the Rock, the street rate for 25 daily blunts worth of weed for Snoop, and the remaining money split eight ways for everyone else--Connery is paid by Social Security). Even if only 10 people went to see it, it would still bring in a profit (based on the ticket prices these days without a valid student ID), so there is no doubt it will get green-lighted. Special thanks to my assistant casting director A. Silverado of Burr Ridge, IL and if you are interested in being an extra in the film, please send your resume and headshot to sidearms@paperbagreview.com.

Until Next Time,