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Guess Who's Back? |
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"Guess who's bizzack? Still smell like crack in my clothes. Don't make me have to relapse on these hoes."
I'm certain that you've all been waiting for the return of The Phenomenon. That's right, I'm back. Sure, my clothes smell like crack. And I've relapsed on (i.e. nailed) so many hoes during our hiatus that it's time for another trip to the clinic. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to the long wire q-tip entering my penis. Damn syphilis tests.  Enough about sexually transmitted diseases. Let's give a quick update as to how each Bagger has spent the last few months: The Phenomenon - I've been damn busy. Aside from banging the sluts, I've been banging the beats, in the clubs, and out on the streets. Well, not exactly; but I did step up to the wheels of steel and represent by spinning some quality Detroit Booty. I can't get enough of the booty music, and big ups to my man DJ Assault. But watch out for DJ Phenomenon comin' through on the ones and twos.  Preston Seider - During our vacation, he's been routinely pressed inside a multitude of women. In fact, he's even adopted Nuttin as his middle name. So you can also refer to him as P. N. Seider or Nuttin Seider if you're tired of hearing about him being Preston Seider. Additionally, he and I have been kicking it with P Diddy whenever we're in the same time zone.
Admiral T. Nastey - After administering thousands of Rear Admirals* during summer vacation, Triq Nastey has returned to his normal every day routine: administering hundreds of Rear Admirals and writing columns for Paper Bag Review. *While hitting a girl from behind, drive your hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall, table, or some sort of furniture. It's also fun to have her nose dive into the floor. The rank of Admiral is achieved when you can successfully maneuver around the room without crashing into anything (unless desired) while saluting and shouting nautical terms such as "Starboard Hoe." Sidearms - For the first month of Paper Bag Review's hiatus, Sidearms spent the majority of his time trying to convince Snoop Dogg that he needs to get back on the weed. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful. Since then, he's been writing a shit-load of Corey Feldman jokes and trying to convince Aaron Spelling to produce a Melrose Place reunion show. His future plans include a film project in Van Nuys. P Money - Kicking it on the floor with occasional trips to cat dish. Salazar - During our Paper Bag Pause, he's been traveling the country hyping Syracuse's soccer squad at quality dance parties in practically every major city. Oh, and he's been setting up fight clubs. And when our Hispanic Tyler Durden isn't creating chaos, he's high rolling it in Vegas. Glad to have you back, sir. Brandon Iron - Much like the rest of us, Brandon's stayed extremely active during our reprieve. He's filled his time with hobbies such as drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching shitty movies, plotting against Hartley, nailing women until they're unconscious, and then resuscitating them and boasting about how he saved their lives. Hartley Fortesque-Mousewrangler - All I can say about Hartley is that he's aged about five years over the last few months, still speaks with a British accent, and hasn't stopped mourning the Red Wings' loss in last season's playoffs. Fingers Maloney - Most recently, in an attempt to lose his New England accent, Fingers considered a move to California in order to join Arnold's staff. However, if he remains in Boston, he'll keep cursing conservatives, sailing (on rafts made from dead monkeys, I hope), cheering for Walter McCarty, Paul Pierce, and Raef Lafrentz (at least that's what I'd do), and criticizing the system. Lou the College Intern - After transferring to the Detroit office for the opportunity to gain experience under The Phenomenon's expert tutelage, Lou (AKA Rusty the College Trombone) has been busy building rafts made from dead monkeys, editing love letters to Paris Hilton, and lugging around DJ Phenomenon's equipment. As usual, send comments to thephenomenon@paperbagreview.com. The Phenomenon |
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