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Ask the Admiral |
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During my extended hiatus, I found that I finally had time to go through the mass of mail accumulated during my initial stint as a bagger. Along with the fan mail, requests for marriage, and lingerie I routinely receive in the mail, I often am asked to provide some guidance for those who wish to be like me (which is most of you, let’s face it). Since I had some time off, I decided to answer a few of these letters and dispense some valuable advice. So without further ado, on to the letters.
Q. I realize that your success with the ladies comes from the perfect blend of good looks, witty banter, and an impeccable sense of style. I understand that looks and brains are god-given, but I thought you might be able to help me with my sense of style. Can you provide some insight into some of the hotter fashion trends I should be aware of? Hugo B., Berlin, Germany A. When dressing to impress, the modern stand-by - vertical stripes with dark pants - is still a sure thing. Of course, by now everyone knows this and it has gone from a hip style to a common staple. You won't get laughed at, but you won't stand out. If you really want to develop your own style (or just copy mine), I would recommend a drastic departure from the norm and go with an all-white ensemble. Trust me, white is going to be the new black.  White is good. Q. I am dating multiple women and have trouble keeping them separate. I find myself talking to a lass about her visit to one of my movie sets, when actually we had merely shagged in the back of a NY club. Lately I’ve been confusing their names and getting slapped a lot. How the bloody hell do you do it? Collin F., Dublin, IRL A. I have a very simple answer for that dilemma: limit yourself to one-night stands. That way you only have to remember what you have done with the slut in the last few hours (or minutes, as is often the case). Another important rule, perhaps the most important of all, is: don’t ever call them by their actual name - unless she is wearing a nametag, you can only screw that up. Of course, you can always do what I do and date twins. That way they can’t blame you for not being able to tell them apart.  Just make sure you don’t show any favoritism. Q. My girlfriend has a cat and I hate cats. She is a great lay and I don’t want to give her up, but those damn cats drive me crazy! Help! Ashton K., Hollywood, CA A. I have never felt a huge fondness for cats in the past (with the exception of P-Money), but I have found that many of the women I spend time with have cats and I needed to find a way to deal with those damn felines. Well, I decided to take the immersion approach so popular for combating phobia. I found two kitties and holed up with them for an entire weekend in my mountain get-away. Sure enough, I was cured.  Maybe this is the reason for my sudden love of cats. Q. While I pride myself on the strength of my pimp hand, my high profile job and rather bitchy wife requires me to keep my extracurricular activities on the down-low. I realize that you are a successful businessman as well as a ladies-man extraordinaire. How do you do it? Bill C., Chappaqua, NY A. You have definitely hit on the crux of the matter. It is extremely difficult to completely enjoy yourself (and satisfy all the ladies) while maintaining a professional image to the public at large, not to mention the jealous significant other. I have found that using a disguise will help to hide your true identity, as in the case of my childhood hero – Superman. It is amazing what a pair of glasses will do to ensure anonymity.  Just make sure you don’t get caught while changing. Well, that's all the time I have for now. Remember that I am here for you, my loyal readers, and will always take the time to answer your questions (unless I am busy doing something else). So keep the questions rolling in to tnastey@paperbagreview.com and C. Alexander may let me make this a regular column. Admiral T. Nastey |
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