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P Money in Iraq

All hell has broken loose during my vacation, folks. I was finishing my second or tenth helping of the very unsatisfying food rations during our 'Desert Fiesta' lunch Friday when I got word along with the rest of the 101st Airborne Division that we'd be moving north towards Baghdad. Our mission wasn't clear, but we knew that the United States was planning an all-out assault on the capital in an effort to destroy the regime of this Hussein guy.

I was already irritated enough because I've had to share media privileges with this punk bitch from CNN, Ryan Chilcote, who is also traveling with the 101st Airborne. The first thing this guy does when he shows up is start questioning my credentials, and what kind of wartime experience am I bringing to the region. Let me tell you something, Nancy Chilcote -- let's see you sneak a piece of pizza from those bastards Preston and Salazar on a Saturday afternoon, and tell me how much you know about fighting. I will not stand for this.

To make matters worse, his name is plastered all over CNN, like he's breaking every story on his own. He'd like the world to think that he doesn't spend every battle cowering behind a Porta-Potti and trying to call his mommy on his Verizon, only to steal my notes and take the credit. For the record, let it be known that the spirits in this division are high because this esteemed feline from the Paper Bag Review is with the soldiers on the front line, always ready to lighten the mood with a well-timed "Is it hot in this desert, or am I covered in fur?" or "Who let Rosie into my rations?" I mean, I'm killing on the battlefield, and I ain't using bullets.

I'm also learning about strategy. I got on the horn with Rumsfeld early Monday and told him that I had located an agricultural complex roughly 50 miles south of Baghdad, in a town called Hillah. I indicated that a quick-strike on the area would be easy, considering our abundant manpower, the element of surprise, and the fact that I can sniff out food from thirty miles. I also suggested that if the going got rough, we could always use CNN's Betty C. as a human shield.

So, early Tuesday the 3rd Brigade and I attacked Hillah. There isn't much to do in a tank, so I got online and learned that Hillah is the modern-day location of the hanging gardens of Babylon, which is one of the seven wonders of the world. Now isn't that interesting. I'll have you know, however, that the lines for the concession stand are brutal.

Well, that about does it for this week's report. Not sure what's going to happen next, but spirits are high, and Chilcote is about two whiny comments away from a backpaw sandwich. Can you smell what the Money is cooking?

Fine, that was a stretch. I've got heatstroke, for crying out loud.

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