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Brandon Iron

  • Birthday: February 14 (that's Valentine's Day)... Hello ladies
  • Origin: Bradford, PA (If you don't know where it is, get a map. Go there on February 14 to celebrate "Brandon Iron Day" and enjoy the many festivities, including the "Shotgun 12 PBRs Obstacle Course", the "Newspaper Dispenser Toss", and the parade on Brandon Iron Boulevard.)
  • Current Location: Richmond, VA Brandon Iron made residence in the oft-disappointing Richmond, VA in 1986, and armed with only his mediocre intelligence and striking good looks he suffered through much adversity to reach his current station in life. Although his kind words about Virginia’s capital are few and far between, it is here that he, along with his twin brother The Continental, met and quickly formed a camaraderie with Preston Seider, another esteemed Bagger of the Paper Bag Review. Brandon has sometimes been referred to as “The Silent Partner” and “The Sensible One”, due in part to his calm demeanor and knack for keeping his friends out of serious trouble. Don’t be fooled, however; he's been known to turn it up a notch and has been spotted in a PBR-induced frenzy sending full newspaper dispensers sailing skyward with little regard for the human lives around him.

    He primarily reviews movies that you've quite possibly never seen (or heard of), using his discerning Pabst Blue Ribbon rating scale to separate those that are worth the rental fee from those that are best avoided. He will occasionally submit an "I Hate Richmond…" or "Brandon Iron Gets..." article that will provide you with his unique perspective on life, love, PBR, and everything in between. Regardless of his chosen topic, you will assuredly get an idea of what makes Brandon Iron tick and what makes him the man, the myth, the legend… even if it is only in his own mind.

    Hobbies – “Drinking PBR, working out, flipping through cable channels, internet porn, rock climbing, providing strippers with a pole to dance around/on (if you know what I’m saying).”

    Favorites:
    Film(s) – “Pootie Tang, Swingers, The Highlander, anything starring Brandon Iron.”
    TV Show(s) – “Anything on G4 TV, reruns of Saturday Night Live, reruns of Martin.”
    Band(s) – “AC/DC, Alkaline Trio, White Knuckle Hustlers, N2Deep, Summer of Kings.”
    Color – “Pabst Blue Ribbon Blue.”
    Book(s) - "How to Pickup Women" by acclaimed Adult Film Star Peter North (I couldn't have written it better myself)
    Food(s) – “Pizza, M&Ms, Baked Ruffles, anything that tastes like pussy.”
    Alcoholic Beverage(s) – “The entire family of PBR products, Rainier Ice, Miller High Life, tall cans of Steel Reserve or Mongoose when anger and/or superhuman strength is needed.”
    Closeted Alcoholic Beverage – “Zima (back in '94, The Continental and I used to kick back, listen to N2Deep, and drink the "Z's"... and then we'd fuck some bitches).”

    Celebrity – “Bruce Campbell, star of the Evil Dead movies and numerous TV shows (many baggers will put women here to try and rationalize their masculinity issues - I will save the women for the Celebrities I'd Most Like to Nail).”

    Bagger Other Than Self – “The Continental (retired), he's not only my twin, but also my drinking buddy and partner in crime.”

    Celebrities You'd Most Like To Nail – “Ronilyn Reilly (co-host of G4 TV's "Pulse") and Rachael Ray (Food Network's "30 Minute Meals"), obviously it would be a threesome with the potential for free video games and a home-cooked meal afterward… if they’re still conscious that is.”

    Bagger Whose Ass You Could Kick Most Easily – “Hartley Fortesque-Mousewrangler. (no explanation needed).”

    Individual You Aspire To Be Most Like – “Myself.”

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