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"The Anna Nicole Show"Reviewed by P-Money There have been three very disturbing television trends the past couple of years: 1. Reality TV Shows -- and let's not forget the losers who have nothing better to do than to watch a bunch of idiots locked in a house or facing stupid fears until someone 'loses' and gets kicked out 2. Lack of Hot Chicks -- when people start calling Calista Flockhart a 'sexpot', then we have problems. You can't name three hot chicks on TV besides Jennifer Aniston, Jessia Alba, and Sarah Michelle. I'll even give you Jennifer Garner. 3. Gold Diggers -- this isn't as prevalent as my other two, but it's about to fit nicely into the next paragraph. E! Entertainment has miraculously combined all three of television's worst current trends into arguably the most despicable show in history, "The Anna Nicole Show." I watched the first episode like everyone else (well, it was assigned to me by C. Alexander. Should I take offense that he chose me to review the fatties? I digress), and I wanted to kill myself. Have we as a society fallen this far? Poor little Anna was obviously hopped up on something, she ain't a genius to begin with, and she wandered around in front of a television camera looking for a new house. It was the most depressing things I've ever seen. Can't a former hot chick grow fatter and dumber in peace? Are there Americans in front of their televisions thinking "Man, we sure got screwed not watching the daily evolution of Stevie Nicks from sexy singer to Kool-Aid man." Yet, the suits at E! have been marketing this show as "it's not supposed to be funny...it just is!" You mean like, "Leaving Las Vegas" funny? That was a hoot! And don't you love the part in "Bambi" where all of the animals die? How can the channel which gave us Brooke Burke -- the pinnacle of all that is right in this world -- turn its cheek and ignore any shred of human decency? Next they'll show the videotape of when I was declawed (I'll get you for that, Preston) and show commercials saying "it's not supposed to be animal cruelty -- it just is!" And what about her son? Poor Junior is going to grow up and become a drugged-up transvestite murderer, and Dick Cheney's wife will blame it on Marilyn Manson. I hope you kids out there, with your Korn albums and your SUV's, think twice about complaining to your parents after watching this kid's daily existence. In my esteemed feline opinion, anyone who watches this show is just asking for the continued degradation of society, one in which dogs roam freely and baseball refuses to go on strike. I'm not just a complainer, folks. I'm a problem solver. Therefore, I'll offer up Five Things You Should Do Instead of Watching Reality Television 1. Get Laid You show me a quote from Jenna Jameson where she says "I need a guy who never misses an episode of 'The Mole'", and I'll show you a five-foot-three angry British internet columnist who can drink like a man. 2. Get a Hobby Have you noticed how there hasn't been one major advancement in technology since the advent of "Survivor"? If they had "The Real World" back in the Stone Age, we'd still be trying to cook bacon with sunlight. 3. Feed Your Pet Again You don't think he's doing anything active enough to work up an appetite? You try bathing with your tongue, you lazy son of a bitch. 4. Mingle With Society Did you know that if you leave your apartment, there are real-live people outside, just like the ones on TV? Well, not like Brooke Burke, per se...unless you live at the Hermosa Estate...let's just say that if every "Wild On..." girl visited here, E! would be looking for a new host every week. 5. Kick a Dog And not just a "get the hell out of my way" kick; we're talking Reggie Roby-style. Email all recipes to pmoney@paperbagreview.com. |
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