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"8 Mile"Reviewed by Preston Seider Making $55 million in its first weekend, '8 Mile' proves what we here in Hollywood have known for a long time: the viewing public loves Detroit. You can't argue this fact, folks. We've got cold, hard proof. I'll admit that several people probably paid to see the movie because of Eminem, but the phrase '8 mile' has always brought to mind pictures of grace and glamour. Hell, you could have cast Billy Campbell (played by TV's Andrew Shue) in the lead role of angry white rapper and this movie would have pulled in 40 million bills. Being from Detroit, yet also representing the Entertainment Capital of the World, I felt compelled to to plop down $9 and see this movie for myself.* Eminem and I have a lot in common: we're white, we're from the outskirts of Detroit, and we both made a name for ourself in the underground rap scene. Slim's a little more popular based on his radio-friendly hits like 'Real Slim Shady' and 'Stan', but I'm sure you recognize these lines from my first album, published under my stage name En Seid-Of-Man E: My name is Preston All the ladies are left in A state of disarray When I pull out my weapon. Sometimes it's purple, Sometimes it's pink; Open up for my marbles, Mouth like a kitchen sink. Man, I miss Hungry Hungry Hippoes. Anyway, this movie raised two interesting questions for me. Let's delve deep into each one. 1. Can Marshall Mathers act? I'm not sure. 2. Is Brittany Murphy hot? This is a question for the ages. You knew when you saw 'Clueless' (note that I said 'you' and not 'we', you geeks) that she had potential...since then her career is a bit scattered. To solve this question, we must merely break down her resume...I should also note that I haven't really seen most of these movies, so I'll be judging her looks based on what I can interpret from the title: Clueless: Not hot at first, but grew on 'you' as the movie progressed and she had a makeover. This brings to mind the 'She's All That/ZZ Top Legs' principle, which is as follows: "Any girl who is portrayed in movie, television show, or music video as an ugly duckling who is suddenly transformed via makeover or magic into a stunning beauty was probably hot in the first place." Conclusion: HOT Bongwater: She possibly played a stoned-out hippie, and they don't shower. NOT HOT Drop Dead Gorgeous: She was probably hot. HOT Summer Catch: I actually saw this movie. She was cute but kind of goofy. HOT Don't Say A Word: I only saw the previews, but she looked like a freak show. NOT 8 Mile: She portrays a girl from Detroit, so she must be hot! (A little love for my ladies back home) HOT There we have it folks. By the count of 4-2, Brittany Murphy is hot. Let's see CNN break it down on the scientific tip. Bitches. '8 Mile' Quick Hits: Stars: Eminem, Brittany Murphy, Kim Basinger, assorted Detroiters Detroit: Rock City! Sex/Violence: I'm assuming so, since it takes place in Detroit Interscope: A poor man's Motown. When visiting: Stop by the historic Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, where you can see Thomas Edison's workshop and the very first auto assembly line. Fancy a bite to eat? Check out Fishbone's in Greektown, the Midwest's top spot for cajun cuisine. Drop me a line at pseider@paperbagreview.com and let me know how my analysis turns out. |
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* I did not pay nine dollars, nor did I actually see '8 Mile' as of this writing.
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