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"Amanda and the Alien"Reviewed by Guest Bagger Admiral T. Nastey I was recently surfing through the backwaters of satellite TV when I came across a movie which caught my eye. Now, due to my extremely tight schedule, I rigorously investigate any movie prior to committing two hours of my time. In order to survive this intense background check, a movie must have certain essential elements. The movie in question came with unsurpassed credentials: namely, it starred Nicole Eggert and was rated R for, among other things, Nudity. Never mind that the movie was named (and I am not kidding) 'Amanda and the Alien', I was confident that this movie would get the full 5 Paper Bags. In fact, as a rabid fan of 'Blown Away', I had pretty much written this review before I settled down to view the movie. We're less than five minutes into the movie, and I know I'm going to get my money's worth. The scene: Nicole getting in the shower. There she is in a very enticing black bra and panties with lace trim. But wait! How can 'the one through whom all things are possible' allow her to get into the shower without showing her naked? It must be the director's fault. That, my friends, is when the movie started to go downhill. Coincidentally, that is also when I began my hate mail campaign against Jon Kroll. The movie then progresses through some random scenes and some dialogue. I think. I must admit, I didn't pay much attention. TLC was having a Trading Spaces marathon and I was flipping back and forth while waiting for the next potential nude scene. In 'Amanda and the Alien' that is; if they had nude scenes on Trading Spaces I wouldn't just be a member of the Paige Davis fan club, I'd be the president. But I digress . . . The next potential nude scene came some time later when Amanda (Nicole) brings home the alien, who at this point is in the body of some hot chick. Now I'm not sure how this happened, alien possession not being one of my areas of expertise, but I'm sure there was some logical explanation. While at home, Amanda tells the alien she needs to take a shower and wash off the stink (not sure how she got the stink, it may have happened at the same time Hilda was fighting with Ty about how to make this lime green ottoman). Now we see the promised nudity - but it isn't Nicole! It's this random, vaguely-hot-in-an-80's-video-vixen-kind-of-way, chick they picked to play the alien. Then Amanda makes a special point to tell the alien to wash "down there". This is when the alien utters the phrase the entire world is waiting to here: "I don't understand. Will you get into this shower and show me?" Once again, we have the chance to see Nicole Eggert in all her god/plastic surgeon-given beauty. I stare in rapt attention as the camera closes in on Amanda stripping to her lingerie, then moves to the random naked chick already in the shower. Then back to Amanda's face, and then back to the naked chick. Then the scene is over. That's right, Jon Kroll thumbs his nose at every 'B' movie director in the history of film and refuses to show a girl-on-girl shower scene. Needless to say, my ADD has completely kicked in at this point and I'm furiously searching for my Ritalin to take the edge off. I am finally able to sit through the rest of the movie thanks to the perky attitude of Paige Davis and the Trading Spaces crew, fresh batteries in my remote, and my youthful optimism. I am still convinced that Amanda/Nicole will get naked. The movie takes a hopeful turn as the alien possesses Amanda/Nicole's incestuous boyfriend (trust me, you don't want to know). Amanda and the Alien basically have sex for the rest of the movie. Sounds good? Sure, we even get to see more naked alien. But wait, the alien is now a fuckin guy. So let us recap: Nicole gets into the shower and they don't show her naked - twice! Nicole has sex and they don't show her naked - for the entire second half of the movie! Trading Spaces did a show where they threw all of the furniture out of the top story window. In the end, 'Amanda and the Alien' gets 1 Paper Bag. Five Paper Bags for starring Nicole Eggert, minus five for not showing Nicole Eggert naked, and one Paper Bag for having some random chick get naked. Trading Spaces gets 4 Paper Bags. One for having a hot chick as the host, one for having a hot chick as the carpenter, three for having three more hot chicks as decorators, and minus one for letting one of the hot decorators do the show pregnant. 'Amanda and the Alien'. Starring: Nicole Eggert, Stacey Keach (I don't remember seeing him in the movie, but he got second billing, so it must have been a big part), and some chick who sometimes plays an alien and gets naked. Directed by: Jon Kroll (I would boycott all of his movies, but I couldn't seem to find any others.) --Admiral T. Nastey Contact us with any feedback or if you think you deserve a shot as a quest bagger. |
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