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"The Beast Within"Starring:
A newlywed couple is happily traveling through the country to their honeymoon destination. Their car spins off the road and as the husband goes for help, the wife is savagely raped by something not entirely human. 17 years later their son is dying and doctors are helplessly searching for a cure. The couple returns to the scene of that horrible night to find clues that may help their son. What they don't realize is that this is no disease, but rather the awakening of The Beast Within. Review: Something terrible just happened in there is absolutely fucking right! I'm talking about my den and that I just wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this shit. I could have used that time to be constructive. Maybe build a model, construct a birdhouse, or just stare blankly at the cracks in the wall, all of which would have been more satisfying than what I just went through. As disappointing and mind-numbing as it was, I have seen worse movies (see my reviews of They Still Call Me Bruce and Jesco the Dancing Outlaw). So I rented this on DVD. It's pretty fucking old so I wasn’t expecting much in terms of special features, but the main screen was so fucked up that it took me 10 minutes to get the goddamn movie to play. 7 times, the MGM lion roared and I got the error message, "Please don't play this bullshit!" Suffice it to say, I forged ahead, as I knew that my loyal fans would not forgive me if I just bellied up and gave in. The DVD did include one special feature, the theatrical trailer, which said nothing of what the movie was about and just hyped this amazing transformation scene that the audience is "dared" to watch through its entirety. I have to admit the transformation scene is pretty damn good, considering when the film was made. None of this computer generated shit that is used in basically ever movie put out today. Let me run down the reasons why this movie is not good: (1) The story is just plain dumb - it has something to do with secedes and rehatching and shedding skin. I don't now exactly what the fuck was going on, but it was tremendously far fetched, even for a horror movie. (2) The actor playing Michael/the Beast did not need makeup to play the Beast - the guy is just fucking ugly. I had a hard time watching him act and was a little confused after the transformation scene. I didn't notice any fucking difference. (3) The wrong kind of Nudity - it had a few bare breasts to behold; however, the scenes included 2 rapes by 2 different Beasts and a cadaver. What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ, that is just perverted and disturbing (unless you are The Phenomenon). If I am going to see nudity, it needs to be a live, hot women that are in a situation that calls for nudity (i.e. shower scene, sex scene, in Brandon Iron's bedroom, in Brandon Iron’s kitchen, etc...) (4) Lighting - I have to admit that lighting for outdoor, night scenes can be a bit tricky. I have made a few mistakes in my day, but have had my wits about me and made the appropriate corrections. BINGO! I'm back in business and on my way to another masterpiece. This fucking director had no clue. I couldn't see shit. I thought the TV was broken a couple of times as the screen went black. To put it bluntly, this movie sucks. Flat out shit! I will debate this point with nobody as I am sure that those of you that have seen it and those that will see it can only take my stance on this issue. It did have one redeeming quality -- it is only 90 minutes long. With every movie these days passing the 120 minute mark, it is refreshing to remember a time when the movie industry frequently told a story within 90 minutes. Definitely a good call for this particular movie. Skippity-Doo, I'm outta here! Highlights:
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Brandon Iron
The Fellas
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