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"Battle Beyond the Stars"Starring:
In a distant galaxy far, far away, the farming planet of Ahkear is given the ultimatum "surrender or be destroyed." It is up to the young, hero Shad to search the universe for weapons and mercenaries that will help him fight to save his peaceful planet from the evil Sador and his ultimate weapon, the Stellar Converter. Review: Let me just start out by saying that this is a pretty cool movie. Absolutely cheesy entertainment, but it could quite possibly be enjoyed without PBR (although I will most likely never find out). It's too bad that this movie has been widely overlooked, as it is a respectable entry in the Sci-Fi genre of film-making. Why has it been overlooked you ask? There are several reasons that I have come up with to explain why this movie has not gotten the recognition that it deserves: (1) It was released in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back (although it can definitely hold its own with Return of the Jedi - fucking Ewoks), (2) It is a rip-off of several movies - one of them being Star Wars which makes for a poor score in the originality category, (3) It plays out like a long episode of Battlestar Galactica, but without Maren Jensen (she played Athena and was fucking hot!), (4) It looks pretty fucking cheap, (5) The aliens aren't very interesting - they all look practically human with nary a horrendously malformed mutant among them, and (6) Maybe most importantly, it stars Richard Thomas (it's tough getting past the mole and the premise that John-Boy Walton can be an ass-kicker). Enough lamenting this film's lack of popularity, let me tell you why you should rent this movie: - Because I fucking said so - You get a slow-motion underside shot of every spacecraft ala Star Wars - Shad's ship, Nelly, has tits and it talks shit. It flies around with the "high beams" on the entire movie and by means of simple humiliation practically turns the kid into a murderer. - George Peppard as the space cowboy that leads the ground forces in the final battle. He's a natural born leader, uh actor, and it's very apparent why this guy was selected to lead the A-Team. I know exactly what the producers of the A-Team had to be thinking when they cast him as Hannibal - if this guy can lead some simpleton farmers and random mutants in battle with that much Goddamn charisma then he can definitely handle BA Baracus, Face, and "Howling Mad" Murdock. Fucking sweet! It was the number one show on TV for Christ Sakes! - Robert Vaughn as the burnt out mercenary (He's like "Fuck the law firms of Marks and Harrison, I'll kick some as for you!) who agrees to work for one hot meal and a place to hide out. It's too bad he ends up hiding out 6 feet under. He’s fucking sweet in this, the entire movie he uses one awful expression that never changes. It looks like he has to take a huge shit and he's just holding it; the turtle head is popping out and he just holds it - I don't understand. It's fucking hilarious. - Sybil Danning as the female warrior hellbent on fighting and fucking. I made up the fucking part, but there was definitely some chemistry between her and Richard Thomas. I would be sorely disappointed if that Bible -thumping, little bastard passed up an opportunity (I know there always more than enough opportunities when I'm making my movies Dawg!) - Producer Roger Corman - cult film guru - James Cameron as the Art Director - I think they were working with $2 so it really doesn't make a difference There you have it. I think it is quite apparent that this should be everyone's next rental - and don't forget the PBR. Skippity-Doo, I'm outta here! Highlights:
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Brandon Iron
The Fellas
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