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"Blood Simple"

Starring:
  • John Getz (The Fly, Men at Work) as Ray
  • Francis McDormand (Fargo, Darkman) as Abby
  • Dan Hedaya (Carla's ex-husband on Cheers) as Marty
  • M. Emmet Walsh (Raising Arizona, Red Scorpion) as P.I. Loren Visser
Best Line:
  • Brandon Iron when waking up after falling asleep 45 minutes into the movie, "What fucking time is it?"
Rating:
  • 2 PBRs out of 7
Plot:
Backstabbing and plot twists galore as a jealous bar owner hires a private eye to murder his ex-wife and her new lover.

Review:
I am fully aware that this movie is not in line with the movies I have reviewed thus far, or that I had set out to review for the Paper Bag Review. It was a bit of a hit back in the day, but I didn’t believe that it had been seen by enough people around my own age. I wanted to try and culture some of you by recommending this movie as a good rent, as it came highly recommended to me. As a matter of fact, I have had trouble finding anyone else who disliked this movie as much as me (except maybe The Continental). I was fully prepared to drink at least 5 PBRs and was surprised to discover that this movie had FUCKING put me to sleep. To put it bluntly, this movie was GODDAMN boring. Granted, it is a Coen Brothers' movie, their first movie in fact, so I was not expecting high action and thrills. I did expect a good bit of drama and suspense, but obviously I was extremely disappointed.

I have to say that I do give high marks for the story; however, a few random car explosions and a cameo by Mack Daddy (see the "Leprechaun in the Hood" review) would have definitely kept me awake for more than 45 minutes. Also, kudos for the casting selections. The 4 main characters never became huge stars or are necessarily known by name, but you will recognize them, if for some reason that I obviously will not be able to comprehend, you rent this movie.

I know you may be saying, "Damn Mr. Iron, this review seems a bit uninspired." Well, I am sorry, but you have to understand what I was working with here. I find that in a lot of cases, critics that obviously are not as talented as Brandon Iron (or just don't drink as much PBR) will give a review more in line with the movie, translation for Blood Simple: a dull review for a dull movie. I tried and succeeded, I believe, in giving a review that is more entertaining than the movie itself and I do hope that you appreciate my attempt to spice things up with profanity (as per the norm).

To all those that have seen this movie and disagree with my review, your wrong and I'm right. I just call 'em like I see 'em, except in this case, I just fell asleep.

Until next time, take my advice: whatever you do, avoid Boone County West Virginia at all costs.

Brandon Iron's Helpful Advice
Problem:Finding your life a bit too exciting? Solution: Rent "Blood Simple."
Problem:Having trouble sleeping? Solution: Rent "Blood Simple."
Problem:Having trouble with the ladies? Solution: Read The Continental's review of "Rated Next."
Problem:Aspiring filmmaker trying to break into the business? Solution: : Rent "Blood Simple" and learn how not to make a movie.
Problem:Confused about beer, wine, entertainment, and life in general? Solution: Check out The Paper Bag Review daily.


Highlights:
  • The 2 PBRs I made it through before falling asleep
  • M. Emmet Walsh's portrayal of the sleazy private investigator
  • A kick to the groin that results in vomiting
Unanswered Questions:
  • How did it end?
    

 

 Brandon Iron
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