|
"Daredevil"Reviewed by Preston Seider I'm not going to beat around the bush here, and give you some mindless prose as a means of introducing my hard-hitting review of "Daredevil." I know my readers are smarter than that, so let's get to it. The success or failure of this movie relies on one basic question: Can the hotness of Jennifer Garner overcome the presence of dumbshit Ben Affleck? Background: Ben Affleck got his role after it was turned down by Edward Norton, which means one of two things: A. Edward didn't know that his co-star was going to be the sexy Jennifer Garner B. The script was so crappy that only an actor the magnitude of Ben Affleck could be tricked into starring. For the sake of this comparison, let's assume that Ben got the script before Matt Damon, George Clooney, Steven Seagal, or Sean Hayes got a look at it, meaning he was second choice. At any rate, the plot revolves around a superhero who has been blind since an accident with radioactive waste. Lucky for him, because if he could see he'd be consistently distracted by the hotness of Jennifer Garner, and would end up getting pummelled. Jennfer plays the role of Elektra Natchios, who was sent here from the future to provide our modern world with some much-needed hotness. I may be paraphrasing here. Athletic History: Ben: Affleck was in "Armageddon," but I'm not sure if he did anything athletic. All I know is that there was a shitty Diane Warren song involved, performed by "rock band" Aerosmith. He was running in the trailer for "Reindeer Games," but it could be a stunt double. He claims to be a big Boston Red Sox fan, but that may only be because Damon tells him to be. Jennifer: She plays the tough and athletic spy 'Sydney' on ABC's 'Alias.' As you can see by the commercials shown during the Superbowl, she is very physically fit. Before that, she had a grueling role on 'Felicity,'where she had to cut Keri Russell's hair. Edge: Jennifer Garner Believability: Ben: There is no chance the audience is going to buy Ben as a man who risks his own life to save those of others. Where was he in "Dazed and Confused" when the seniors were picking on the freshmen? He was right there bullying them with the others. What did he do in "Good Will Hunting" when that Harvard bully was picking on Matt Damon? He let Damon do all the ass-kicking. Jennifer: My opinion is that Miss Garner is perfect for the role as "hot chick." Edge: Jennifer Garner Acting Ability: Ben: Ever since his graduation from the Billy Campbell School of No-Reaction Acting, Affleck has become a major star by using the same stupid look to convey a variety of emotions. I just don't understand this. He maintains the same expression, whether he's saying "Hooray! It's Bruce Willis, we are saved!" or "My God, my fiance has an enormous ass." Jennifer: You can put Jennifer in any situation and her incredible acting abilities will produce. Be it wearing lingerie, kicking ass in lingerie, or staring into my eyes from the cover of a magazine, Jennifer is the Meryl Streep of our generation. Edge: Jennifer Garner. Intangibles: Ben: I can't really think of a movie in which I enjoyed Ben's performance. He really is a shitty actor, and he's got the uncanny ability to always piss me off just by existing. I'm sure if I met him I'd have a different opinion in that I'd be able to exploit his lack of intelligence and win a lot of money off of him. That said, he is a box office draw, and that says something. However, I'm not going to repeat that something as my mother often reads my columns. Jennifer: Jennifer is married, which is a bummer. But, she's attractive, intelligent, charming, hot, sexy, and attractive. That is definitely better than 'stupid.' Edge: Jennifer Garner There you have it. While the overall outcome of my review will have to be weighted based on screentime, it's safe to say that "Daredevil" is going to be one hell of a movie. My review may change slightly after I see it. "Daredevil" Quick Hits: Jennifer Garner: Yes Ben Affleck: But he's blind, so you may feel a bit bad for him and want to punch him less Nudity: Rated PG-13, so I doubt it. To All The Girls I've Loved Before: I'm glad you came along, and I dedicate this song. |
|
The Fellas
Contact Us
Use Wisely