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"The Good Girl"Reviewed by Preston Seider I'd by lying if I said that my main motivation for seeing "The Good Girl" wasn't to watch Jennifer Aniston have sex. Sure, this movie was getting rave reviews from critics across the country, and sure it had some top notch stars (well, it had John C. Reilly, who played Chest Rockwell in 'Boogie Nights'), but I sat in the Sunset 5 Theaters to watch Mrs. Brad Pitt get it ON. My efforts were rewarded during the first sex scene, where Aniston (playing a 30-year-old jaded wife) is putting out for Holden, a 22-year-old co-worker at the drugstore. I saw boob. Granted, it was just a flash, but it was a lot better than that "Rolling Stone cover where you can kind of see her butt" business from eight years ago. I saw boob. As for the movie, it's the story of a drug store clerk who is married to a fat pig who not only neglects her, but sits around all day smoking weed with his best friend. She begins the standard "There has to be more to life than this" fantasy, and starts having an affair with a young co-worker, who is all messed in the head and delusional. No matter. I would wear a helmet and ride the short bus if I got to have sex with Jennifer Aniston. Things are going along smoothly -- they go to motel rooms, or have sex in the backroom of the drug store -- until her husband's best friend catches them, and makes her have sex with him so he won't tell her husband. This leads to one of the most repulsive scenes in film history, because he is one ugly dude. Then, the movie ends after a bunch of shit happens. Let's move along this Dog and Pony Show to the soon-to-be World Famous "Preston Character Analysis" Justine Played by: Jennifer Aniston Justine is 30, has been married ten years, and lives in a small Texas town. She's jaded and unsatisfied. This isn't how life was supposed to work itself out, is it? She's right -- hot chicks should never be unsatisfied. They often are when PBR Baggers leave the room with nary a slap on the ass, but I digress. She gives off a great performance...although she's hot, you really believe that she would marry a fat pig. The costume designers also dress her in such a way that she gives off the appearance of having some sort of unappealing, flat married-chick ass. Kudos...she's the mostly likely, in my astute Hollywood-savvy opinion, to have a successful career after 'Friends.' Holden Played by: Jake Gyllenhaal This dude was weird, but he's nailing a hot married chick, so he gets props. He played it perfectly in the beginning, he's all aloof and shit, playing hard-to-get, so you can tell that she wants it. Things are going along smoothly until he puts the kiss-of-death on the situation and gets all pillow-biting on her, 'I love you Justine', 'Let's run away together, Justine.' What the hell is he thinking? She obviously freaks out. This role would have been better suited for someone like, say, Preston Seider. He would have played it cool. She'd be all like "Preston, that was amazing" and he'd be like "Yeah, whatever" and she'd be like "I have hot friends, can I bring them over?" and he'd respond "(heavy sigh)...I GUESS." Plus, you would see a lot more Jennifer Aniston Boob because Preston would nail her a lot closer to the camera, just to keep his fans happy. Phil (Justine's Husband) Played by: John C. Reilly Poor Phil. He's been watching too many beer commercials. He must think that hot chicks are attracted to fat slobs with thinning hair, when in fact they are attracted to young studs (played by the internet's Preston Seider). He's a nice guy, and he means well, but he smokes too much weed and has no motivation. Next thing you know he'll be coughing up hairballs on my bedroom floor. I will give props to John C. Reilly for pulling off this role. He's about 50 pounds heavier then when he was in Boogie Nights, and is just a loser. I can imagine him on the set yelling "I'm Chest Fucking Rockwell! Don't you forget it!" to all the hot stagehands so he would still get some dressing-room action. Bubba (Phil's best friend) Played by: Tim Blake Nelson Tim Blake Nelson gets a free pass to the Steve Buscemi Wing in the Ugly Ass Actors Hall of Fame. Good Lord. This must be how Hartley looks to the women after they've only had ten beers. He does say one of history's all-time best lines, however: "If I was a woman, I would be a slut." That's the kind of out-of-the-box thinking we need in society, people! Come on! Bubba is a loser too, but he gets extra anti-props for nailing his best friend's wife. That's a bit too cold-blooded even for us. Quick Hits: Jennifer Aniston Boob: Yes Could We Have Seen More Boob: Most definitely Dude, boobs: Yes I know I'm just sayi...: Drop it already, you fucking geek. Email your thoughts and Pulitzer Prizes to pseider@paperbagreview.com. |
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