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"Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal"Starring:
Goth Rocker Slade Craven is playing his farewell concert aboard a 747 en route to Toronto with a few lucky fans on board and an internet simalcast. Murder and mayhem ensue as a satanic cult takes over the plane in a ballsy scheme to release Hell on Earth. What the fuck? Review: So I just got back from seeing "Undercover Brother", and I turn on the TV to this shit as it is just starting on HBO Zone. This movie is absolutely fucking brutal. Now I admit that had it not been for "Undercover Brother", which is hilarious, this movie may have received a better review (maybe 3 PBRs). The makers of this movie are obviously going to be disappointed at the Brandon Iron rating as my reviews most definitely have an impact on the money they receive from rental fees and movie purchases. They can just chalk it up to bad timing. Fuck 'em. That's basically what they did to me by making this. First of all, let me say that the story is beyond ridiculous. It's wicked fucking retarded! All yous guys in Boston, can you feel me? It involves an airplane, some devil worshipping cult, a Slade look-alike, an unholy church, and Stull, Kansas. Sound intriging? It's not. On top of that, there are a million loose ends and random occurrences. In one scene the air traffic controller's tower blows up in a amazingly dramatic scene involving fire and slow motion, and the FBI agent says "They must have help on the ground". Is that theory pursued? Fuck no! Honestly, there was one thing missing that works in all good airplane disaster movies and would have redeemed this movie for me: the part of the plot where the chicken and/or fish is contaminated and all the passengers and the pilots get food poisoning? That was definitely disappointing. If you have devil worship in your story, it can't be that hard to work in food poisoning. Come on!!! I have to say that the acting is better than average. It has Rutger Hauer, Joe Mantegna, and Craig Sheffer for Christ Sakes! All these guys were top notch movie actors early in their careers, only to stumble for reasons unbeknownst to me. I will assume drugs, gay love affairs, and/or bad decisions or agents forced them to play the mediocre roles in which they have been relegated to. I mean Rutger Hauer was in "Blade Runner" and now he plays the role of "co-pilot". What the fuck is that all about? All in all, this movie blows. Best to be avoided altogether or watched under the influence of LSD, cocaine, crack-cocaine, or more bottles of PBR than I managed to get into my system. Slade Craven is an unlikely action hero, 100 pounds soaking wet and yet with his "karate" skills kicks a few asses. Where is Edge Oxtane when you need him? The one thing that disturbs me most about this movie, everyone keeps saying that Nick and Slade have this connection after they have only talked once over a radio. Maybe I should be happy that that "connection" was not pusued and given screen time? Highlights:
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Brandon Iron
The Fellas
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