|
"Kangaroo Jack"I was a little skeptical when I heard about this movie, namely because I haven't had good luck with movies based on marsupials. After sitting through 'Good Will Hopping' and 'Duck-billed Platypussy', I hoped that this genre was dead. Then I turn on the television this past week and... You know what? I can't do this. I can't jeopardize my journalistic integrity by making this review humorous, because this is not a funny subject. This movie represents all that is wrong with Hollywood, namely: Jerry O'Connell. That's right. Let's take a brief look at Jerry's "acting" resume: Stand By Me: Granted, this was a great movie, but only because it starred River Phoenix and Corey Feldman (yeah, I'm not afraid to say it). Who wasn't rooting for the chubby kid to die in the first ten minutes? I know I was. My Secret Identity: I never saw this show, but they would always advertise it during "Dukes of Hazzard" repeats or "Baywatch." It looked really stupid. Jerry Maguire: This movie was alright, save the dorky little kid and Renee Zelleweger, who always looks like she's staring directly at the sun. Did anyone really believe that Jerry O'Connell was a top football recruit? I mean seriously. Body Shots: I never saw this either, but it also starred Amanda Peet. What in the hell happened to her? She's hot and a good actress, yet she's falled off the face of the earth. The O'Connell Factor? Most likely. Tomcats: Let's see...Shannon Elizabeth stars with Chris Klein in "American Pie," and the movie is a blockbuster. She stars in "Tomcats" with Jerry O'Connell, and the movie is a flop. Chris Klein is horrible...via scientific analysis, we can deduce that O'Connell is worse. It's one thing to include Jerry in a movie; sure, throw him in the "Scream" series as long as you kill him off. But make him the main draw for a film? Are you kidding me? This guy is taking work away from better actors as Ashton Kutcher and even Jared Leto? (TV's "Jordan Catalano"...he's not the greatest but I'm making a point). The film's producers try to camouflage his presence in two questionable ways, by including the following in the cast: Estella Warren: She's pretty hot, and starred in "Planet of the Apes." Now that I think about it, is she really attractive, or does she stand out when onscreen next to monkeys? Dude, I hate monkeys. I'm not kidding. Christopher Walken: Look, his best days are behind him. We all loved him in such classics as "The Deer Hunter", "True Romance", and "Pulp Fiction". These days he's dancing like a crazy man in Fatboy Slim videos. This is never a good sign (nor is the blatant and disgusting exploitation of senile old people). If you need Christopher Walken for a shitty movie, at least have the decency to use John Voight. His own daughter hates him. As for the actual movie, apparently a kangaroo or something steals Mob money. I know kangaroos are reknowned liars and cheats, but this is a bit of a stretch. It can't be that good either if it's being released in January, known throughout Hollywood as the 'Dead Period' because it's the time studios use to release shitty movies since it's after the Oscar push of December. December = "Catch Me If You Can" and "About Schmidt." January = "Kangaroo Jack" and "Fat Turd: A Documentary in Still-life." "Kangaroo Jack" Quick Hits: Stars: Jerry O'Connell Are you serious: I'm not kidding Is the term 'stars' an oxymoron here: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. Determine the weight, in kilos, of coke the producers consumed before green-lighting this movie: 7 If you run into Jerry on the street: Finish the job. Rock On. |
|
The Fellas
Contact Us
Use Wisely