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"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"When I was 12 years old, I read "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein. I was mesmerized by the magical imagery, the majestic storytelling, and magnificent characters. As I got older, I learned to talk to girls and have friends. Unfortunately, many people did not. Thus, Hollywood brings us "Lord of the Rings." I wanted to give this movie a chance, but after seeing the second trailer during commercials one night, I wanted to kill myself. It's bad enough that the hype for this movie started before my Senior Prom, but it basically just seemed like this movie was created to fill the Lifeless Geek void in between Star Wars movies. It's kind of like how Better Than Ezra filled the Pansy Rock void in between Gin Blossoms albums. At any rate, being the pinnacle of journalistic integrity that I am, I decided to review "Lord of the Rings" anyway. The movie stars Elijah Wood as the main hobbit or whatever, and that kid is a weirdo. I mean, aren't his eyes a bit too big for his head? No matter; even casting TV's Jack Wagner in the lead role would probably have not saved this movie. Of course, you know damn well that if Melrose Place's Dr. Peter Burns was the leader of these midgets, he would have made some changes. For one, there would be no living in the forest or wherever the hell they live. The main plot of the movie is apparently a quest for some rings, hence the title. One can assume that there is a "lord" of some sort, who is probably guarding the rings with a weapon or some type of curse, as these stories tend to go. How is this even realistic? How can Joe Movie-goer walk into a theater and relate to this garbage? Who green-lights this shit? I have several more questions, but I'm just getting angry. Overall Grade: D. In the end, "Lord of the Rings" is just another example of Hollywood running out of ideas and basing a movie on factual evidence. This journalist refuses to accept it. "Lord of the Rings" Quick Hits: Dumb plot: yes Fake: yes Sex/Violence: would be disturbing anyway Should you punch someone who likes it: affirmative |
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