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"Safe Men"Starring:
Sam and Eddie are a two-man band trying to make it in the music business. Mistaken for safe crackers by Big Fat Bernie Gayle, they are propositioned with cracking 3 safes in 3 days; otherwise, they'll be swimming with the fishes. Hilarity and hijinks ensue as they attempt to crack safes while Sam finds love and Eddie finds his calling in life. Review: This movie is quirky, offbeat, and very entertaining. It has a strong cast, good story line, and a nice pace - those 90 minutes seemed to fly by as the PBR flowed like wine (Carlo Rossi Chianti is my preference in case you ever want to talk wine or feel like stopping by my place for dinner). I would even go as far as to recommend this as a date rental - the romantic subplot is a lot of fun (I can't believe I just wrote that). Sam Rockwell and Steve Zahn have great chemistry as partners in crime, and there is no "blood and guts" or crude humor to speak of. What I really enjoyed about the movie though, was the "Property of Universal" message that displayed every 10 minutes on the screen accompanied by the 800 number to call if someone tried to rent or sell me this tape. In case you're not in the know, what I am describing is the full-length, promotional screening cassette - being with PBR obviously has its advantages. I hope to begin receiving these tapes for "actual" new releases in the near future. So, cracking store or residence safes I would assume is risky business, but a little bit "small potatoes" for Brandon Iron and The Continental (although we have been known to open a box or two, if you know what I'm talking about!). We have on occasion discussed the notion of robbing a bank though; it doesn't matter which one, but it would probably be in Richmond due the fact that I would like to fuck up something in this city at some point. Here is how I see the whole thing going down: Rob a Richmond Bank - The Plan (1) The Continental and I watch Heat and Point Break an innumerable amount of times to determine strategy (2) Based on those movies, we scope out the bank for a while, determining security entrances, security shift changes, bank personnel (i.e. determine the hottest tellers so we can rob the bank while they are working), camera positions, in and out times, etc... (3) Show up in black suits wearing Preston Seider masks (4) Calmly take care of security and talk up the tellers as they retrieve our cash - reminding them that we each have a concealed weapon in our pants, oh yeah, and making sure they omit the explosive dye packages and don't activate the silent alarm (5) Exit bank with cash and hot tellers' phone numbers (6) Use the money to supply alcohol at the next PBR bash, while using any leftovers as budget for the next Brandon Iron blockbuster Obviously there is a chance that we could get blown, er um, I mean we could mess up the bank job. It doesn't matter if it's $5 or $5 million that we get caught with, we are going out in a blaze of glory! No prison time for us Dawg! The Continental and myself stay in shape, are well muscled, and have been in a fight or two, but we would definitely be used a "fuck toys" when not wasting away mopping urine and blood stained infirmary floors. As you all know by now, we are lovers, but that's definitely not the type of love we are looking for. I've seen one episode of Oz, so I know that prison life revolves around "ass rapings". There you have it, a good review of a good movie plus a great plan to earn some cash. What could be better than robbing from Richmond to get some revenge for it fucking me so many times and then using the cash to throw a party and make a movie? Fucking A man- life is good. Skippity-Doo!!! Highlights:
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