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"Scooby Doo"Reviewed by P-Money Well, Hollywood has done it: churned out a movie that's worse than "101 Dalmations." I really tried to go into this movie with an open mind, but at the end of the day, my hypothesis came true. "Scooby Doo" doesn't (I kill me). We can basically break down why this movie sucks into 4 different categories: 1. Fred The blonde-haired leader of this pack was played by alleged thespian Freddie Prinze Jr. As far as I can tell, this is his first foray into the non-high-school-romantic-comedy genre of film, and I think he only got this role because his fiance is also starring. He also has experience in crime-fighting, because he played an FBI agent in this movie called "Head Over Heels" (sample dialogue: "I love you, and it's like, I gotta get the bad guys."). How on earth did the producers think he could pull this off? Why didn't they pick: A. Ryan Phillippe He's already worked with Sarah Michelle in the critically-acclaimed "Sarah Michelle and Selma Blair Make Out Session," and he has experience dealing with the unknown by being married to Mac Tonight (played by Reese Witherspoon). He was also in "54," where Hollywood expects us to believe that there was a really famous bar in New York and people went there to see Breckin Meyer without a shirt on. B. Emimen He's on high alert because apparently everyone on the planet is out to get him. Plus, he admitted last week that he used to date Mariah Carey. If he can solve the Mystery of Her Expanding Waistline, wouldn't he be helpful here? Plus, every 14-year-old suburban gangsta wanna-be would show up for the movie. C. Hartley Don't you think, based on his propensity for sweaters, that Fred was British anyway? "Allo Shaggy, you stoned chap. Fancy a shag with Daphne, or are you going to hump that dog all bloody day?" 2. Velma Velma sucks. In the cartoon, she was always whining and shit. She's like the ugly friend of the hot chick at the bar you're trying to pick up. You know she's trying to ruin the deal because she knows that your wingman is only talking to her because he has to, so she's all like "We gotta go, I have to get up early." Yeah, I know ain't getting up early to work out, woman, so get lost. Anyway. 3. Shaggy Shaggy wouldn't be that bad if he wasn't played by Matthew Lillard. How is this guy working? Are there that many scripts these days that demand the "crazy guy who doesn't score but epitomizes high school"? I think this role would be better suited for Wally, our weed-smoking neighbor. He's got the stoner cred down pat, and he's always paranoid. This weekend we had to babysit his plant, Gladys, because his relatives were in town. Every day he stopped by to make sure we weren't smoking it or selling it. If that was the case, it probably wouldn't be too hard to narrow down the suspects. Additional Wally note: He knocked on our door last night to taunt Salazar because Wally was drinking Tecate. He was like "Woo Hoo! Go USA!" Salazar was "livid" because he hates when Americans drink sacred Mexican delicacy's like Tecate. 4. Scooby Doo A freaking dog, man. Scoobs only ever helped solve a case in the cartoon by stumbling onto the criminal when he was looking for food or hiding. Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with spending a good portion of one's day looking for food; but who hides from ghosts, really? If a ghost showed up, don't you think they'd take the opportunity to beat the crap out of Matthew Lillard, or maybe Freddie? Why would a ghost waste his time on a digitally-created dumb ass dog? If he was any kind of respectable dog, he'd trump gay-ass Fred and nail Sarah Michelle. Speaking of Miss Gellar, she's going to need a strong next movie to make up for this tripe. May I suggest: A. Cat's Meow In this fish-out-of-water romantic comedy, a comely French maid (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) falls in love with a ruggedly handsome feline (me) when she shows up one day to clean up Salazar's empty beer cans. B. Cruel Intentions: Director's Cut Did you all feel as cheated as me that she wasn't naked in this movie? Any director worth his tall chair with his name on it kept the camera rolling C. Buffy the Bagger Layer Her first venture into soft-core porn coincidentally begins during her first trip to Paper Bag Review Headquarters D. I Know You Beat The Crap Out of Rosie O'Donnell Last Summer Using her ample hand-to-hand combat skills, Sarah shows up on "Rosie" and drop-kicks that fat bag onto Caroline Rhea's lap. Discussion Questions: 1. Has there been anything more remarkable in the last year than Mariah Carey going absolutely bonkers before our very eyes? Explain. 2. Who would win in a fight, Matthew Lillard or Haley Joel Osmet? 3. If Rosie O'Donnell falls and nobody is around, would there be time to go back in and kick her again? If you would like to drop me a line, and you are Sarah Michelle Gellar, write me at pmoney@paperbagreview.com. |
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