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"Snow Dogs"Reviewed by P-Money Imagine my chagrin when our editor sends a reporter of my caliber to review smut like "Snow Dogs," the new "feel-good" movie starting Cuba Gooding Jr. What kind of treatment is that? I got out from under the bed for this? A travesty. The cat's meow it ain't. Regardless, I am a professional journalist of the utmost integrity, and that isn't about to change just because they don't pay me, so I'm not technically professional. Let's get started. Snow Dogs This movie was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, even worse than "Cujo." Don't get me wrong; I don't mind a movie about the inferior species, as long as it's a comedy like "Old Yeller." You want to leave the theater laughing with your friends, with a huge smile behind your whiskers. But for every "Old Yeller," Hollywood produces ten movies like "K-9" and "Beethoven." You can add one more movie to that bunch. "Snow Dogs" was every bit the kind of dog-driven drivel I'd expect from Hollywood these days. You've got Cuba Gooding Jr. leading a team of dumb-ass dogs all around the place, and it's so far-fetched that the dogs speak in complete sentences. Have you ever heard a dog talk? They are not very articulate. Whatever happened to Cuba Gooding Jr? His career seemed like it was on the upswing in 1996, when he won an Oscar for "Jerry Maguire." In hindsight, though, he was acting against Tom Cruise, that little bitch with the big glasses, and Renee "I'm about to cry at any minute" Zelleweger. Let's just say that I would have also taken the odds on Mr. P Money stealing some scenes in that one. The last scene would have been a little different, however: Jerry Maguire: Money, I can't stop thinking about you...I left dinner early and I had to come over and tell you that we are meant to be together, regardless of how stupid that little kid with the glasses is." P Money (crying): "You had me at 'Dinner'" It's a little far-fetched to think that a cat of my masculinity could pull off playing a woman, but it's better than Renee. I think they would also have to change the scene where he's all like "Show me the Money!" because the crowd would be like "Money's right there in front of you, hitting on your wife." I should be in more movies. How cool would "Money Train" be if I was in it? I could have a bunch of cool action-film one-liners, like where I'm killing the bad guy, and as he's dying I say "This is MY train" and shit like that. Then, like, Jennifer Lopez would be all like "You know I want to ride the MONEY train" and one of her friends would be like "You go girl!" Freakin' "Money Train." That's what I'm talking about. Then I could star alongside my favorite actor, Charlie Sheen, in "Money Talks". Can you imagine how many ladies he and I would get? That would be the best movie ever. He'd be all like "I'm Charlie, and this is my associate P Money." Heather Locklear would be like "You know I like to earn my Money" and then they'd play some D'Angelo in the background. I'd leave the bedroom and give Charlie the high paw, then we'd roll out. Well, that pretty much answers any questions you might have about "Snow Dogs," arguably the worst movie of the year. Cuba Gooding Jr. is facing a career in decline, and those dogs will never work again. If you agree with me, drop a line at pmoney@paperbagreview.com If you disagree, I've set up a mailbox at iamasissy@ilikedogs.com. Hope to hear from you soon. |
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