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 "Sorority House Massacre II: Nighty Nightmare"Our latest guest submission is by Noname Fukumi, who in her Brandon Iron-style movie review, combines female insight and witty nomenclature. Her column proves what we here at the Paper Bag Review have known all along: even chicks dig naked chicks. -- C. Alexander Parish Sorority House Massacre II: Nighty Nightmare (1987) Running Time: 80 Minutes Rated: Unrated Written by Mark McGee, James B. Rogers and Bob Sheridan and directed by Arch Stanton Starring Robin Harris, Jürgen Baum and Melissa Moore Bottom Line: If you’re a male horror fan, this movie is fun. If not, well, you’re in for eighty minutes of bore with a priceless line here and there. After a while, when you continually watch absolute shit like I do, it kind of just blurs together as a sick tapestry of poor movies. Once in a while, one will stand out and say something to you. This was not one of those movies. Maybe it’s not fair for me to review this movie, seeing as I am not the target audience for this fine film. But hey, I’m still waiting to see “Return to Horror High”, so maybe I’m okay. “Sorority House Massacre” is your standard 80’s slasher*. The members of a sorority buy an old house to turn into their new sorority house. Of course, the house is where all kinds of nasty murders took place just a year before (Was it more? Do I care?), so it was dirt cheap. The girls spend the night in the “creepy” old house and a fat, disgusting-looking neighbor (who bears a striking resemblance to Super Mario) seems to be stalking them. The girls die one by one, just for fun, until the climatic scene, with our hero taking on the neighbor. Eighty minutes of riveting, non-paralleled cinema. *(For those of you who don’t know the basic formula for 80’s slashers, it’s as follows: you get nubile young women running around in their underwear, sometimes naked, chased by some creepy old guy, the most virginal, innocent girl in the bunch is our hero.) That established, let’s cover the finer points of the movie. Since this was unrated, we see a healthy amount of female nudity, including a full frontal shower scene, which no doubt pleased the male members of our viewing group. The girls parade about in their skimpy pajamas, complete with thong underwear (have I mentioned how much I hate thongs? Noname, keep your opinions to yourself – Ed), play with an Oujia board -- standard sleepover activities, I suppose. Surprisingly, the girls weren’t irresponsible and they didn’t invite guys over. No drugs or alcohol either. In such a film, I at least expected illicit teenage sex and underage drinking. Maybe my standards are too high. There were two bright, shining moments in the movie I don’t think I’ll ever forget -- at least, not until the next shitty 80’s horror movie we pick up. One was the flashback at the beginning to tell the audience why the house has the faux ominous feeling. Flashing back to the killings that happened in the house is usually a great way of establishing that they’re fucked, right? One problem: in the flashback, the driller killer was on the loose. The driller killer is from “Slumber Party Massacre”...flashing back to the wrong movie. That was funny. The second was when the bodies started hitting the floor and the girls decided it was high time to escape. A line, a beautiful line, the best line I’ve ever heard uttered on camera, just made my day: “Oh no, we can’t run outside! Our clothes are upstairs!” Like I said before, if you find the base formula of blood and boobs in a stupid horror movie a rockin’ good time, you’d probably enjoy “Sorority House Massacre”. I like lame 80’s horror as much as the next guy, but I can’t appreciate the simplistic, er, beauty, in a film as such. Final Rating: Four out of five stars if you’re male, half a star if you’re a female horror fan, no stars if you’re smart enough to not torture yourself like I do. |
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