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"Titanic"Reviewed by Salazar By every measure we know, Titanic is one of the most succesful films ever released on American soil. With box office and video earnings well over a billion dollars worldwide, it has already been revered as an instant classic. Oscar, Golden Globe, and SAG organizations alike recognized 'Titanic' as a great by showering it and its cast with dozens of awards, including the acclaimed Oscar for 'Best Picture'. My girlfriend, at the time it was released, caught it in the theatres nearly a dozen times during its first month, and cried each time. I think my sister may have been a production assistant on the set. The soundtrack even sold millions of copies... I never saw it. Not only that, but I will never see it. Its not like I'm trying to make some sort of statement or anything, I just can't fathom that movie tickling my fancy. The cast is quite hateable (Leonardo Dicaprio reminds me of a young Mike Dunleavy Jr. Enuff said.); the theme song was over-glorified elevator music (although while we're on the subject, Celine Dion's new song ain't half bad. Call it my one guilty pleasure for the year...and I guarantee that no Bagger will let me live that down...); no comic relief and everybody in the building already knew the ending. I gotta break this down... I'm by no stretch a patron of motion pictures; I hit the theatres about 5 times a decade - seriously. If I ever do chance upon a flick, I don't ask for much. I have a very short checklist of movie 'musts': 1) At some point in the movie, someone has to be running as fast as they can; 2) There must be some point of intentional comedy that makes me smile broad enough to show my teeth; 3) A very hot chick must have a pertinent role; and 4) The ending must not be a forgone conclusion. This movie fails across the board. I know Billy Zane must clock in at a 4.6-40, so if he had really been blazing at full speed, he would gone overboard long before lukewarm Kate Winslet (you know a chick isn't all the hot if every other chick loves her, but not a single guy you know digs her) dropped her magic pinky ring in the ocean.* And as hilarious as L-Dica's pose is on the front of the ship, you can't tell me that was intentional comedy. (By the way, feel free to borrow this formula and modify it to fit your needs. You'll be surprised at how accurate it is.) With this astute analysis, I'm not exactly racing to the nearest Blockbuster to pick up a copy overnight. I don't even have a Blockbuster renter's card. I don't even know how to get to the nearest Blockbuster. I don't even know if Blockbuster is still a franchise after the '98 Florida Marlins fiasco. Maybe you shouldn't listen to me...but definitely don't watch this movie. Overall Grade: F-. The complete antithesis of a quality film. Reminds of 'Swingers', without the funny lines, great character acting, cute girls, smooth music and overall positive vibe. "Titanic" Quick Hits: Hot Chicks: No Boring Music: Yes Sex/Violence: The whole thing takes place on a cruise, so I'm assuming there's some, but it probably hit the editting room floor. Does every woman in the world love it: Correct Does any real man in the world enjoy it: Not a one |
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*I'm not sure this even happens in the movie, but I always hear references to some piece of jewelry being lost somewhere by somebody. Work with me here, its late.
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