|
BeerWelcome to the first in our series of beer reviews. We'll start this week
with the "macro" beer section; that is, beers that everyone knows, you can
find in any grocery store or at most bars. Preston writes the commentary, and
Alix chimes in with his award-winning accurate rating system. Rating System: Miller Lite – a staple of any fridge or party, it’s the top-selling beer in America. Cool and crisp, and it’s light without tasting too much like water, it gets a thumbs-up when the situation calls for a refreshing beer.
Miller High Life-- the self-proclaimed "Champagne of Beers," Miller High Life is the black sheep of the Miller family. It’s mostly due to its shoddy marketing over the past thirty years, and the image of your drunk-ass uncle in the garage passed-out with an empty case of these boys. Contrary to public opinion, this is a very smooth and satisfying beer. A bit thicker than Miller Lite, but in my opinion it's twice as refreshing. It is my favorite of the macro brews. Tastes a great deal better out of a can instead of a bottle.
Bud Light-- Ugh. This is unfortunately one of the top default beers across the nation, in that every bar or party is going to be serving this. I will never believe that it is anything more than stale tap water, and it never tastes as cold as it should. Its success is directly related to emphasizing funny commercials over a decent product.
Budweiser-- the "King of Beers"…this beer tends to leave the biggest hangover, and I'm thinking that it's because it's made with rice, which is just plain messed-up. Doesn't taste very good, but the label is really kind of cool when you stare at it. Beware of the severe white-trash implications.
Coors-- Coors Original loses points because of the stupid-ass commercials with Ahmad Rashad. You couldn’t sell me free home-delivered porn stars if you used that stupid ass as a spokesperson. Regardless, original Coors is better than Bud, but a bit sweet for some reason. Cool bottle…however this beer is not very popular. Showing up a party with this is sort of like announcing that you have VD – very bad reaction.
Coors Light-- the "Silver Bullet" isn't too shabby when it comes to light beers. I'd rank it behind Miller Lite, but ahead of Natty Light and Bud Light. Smooth, stays cold longer. Most girls shy away from this, so you won't feel as bad drinking a light beer.
Labatt's Blue-- a great Canadian entry to our review, Labatt is one of my all-time favorites, although it's tough to find in a bar in LA (God forbid they don't have enough room for some asshole's Chocolate Martini). Labatt is a pilsner by name, and a solid choice at heart. Cool, no bad aftertaste, and doesn't skunk easily.
Molson Canadian-- Molson Canadian kind of sucks. I'm trying to be nice, but it's just not very good. They recently changed the logo, but they can't fool me. Still better than Budweiser, but an inferior beer. Canada should know better.
Michelob-- see "Miller High Life." Michelob also gets a bad rap, but it's a very satisfying beer for the price. Better than both Budweiser and Coors, and just as inexpensive.
MGD-- the first beer to brag about being "Cold-filtered," Miller Genuine Draft is definitely a very refreshing beer. There is never an aftertaste, and MGD is so smooth that it's always too late when you realize you just drank a 12 pack.
Heineken-- Heineken blows, and I don't care who hears me say it. This is always the beer that people buy when they want to make it look like they know about beer. Ironically, it shows that they know little. ALWAYS tastes skunky, comes in a green bottle, and just tastes like shit in general. If you ever offer me one, I will most likely punch you.
Corona-- I may punch you even harder if you ever offer me this swill. If you want a Mexican beer, aim for Dos Equis or Pacifico or something. Leave this and its fancy commercials right where you found it, in the fraudulent "import" section at your local grocery store. What kind of beer needs a damn lime to make it taste better? Have you ever eaten a lime? They suck too!
Natural Light-- This is the most popular beer among college students, because it's cheaper than Coke and doesn’t taste too bad. Don't get me wrong; Natty Light's do not taste GOOD, but they don’t necessarily taste bad. Will do in a pinch if you’re already drunk or you despise your current guests.
Old Milwaukee-- I list this beer on account of the commercial where it talks about winning "America’s Best Beer" in 1999 – I'm a bit skeptical. Did any other beers enter? That's kind of like Rosie O'Donnell proclaiming herself "Hottest Fat Chick" because Sam Kinison's dead. I still take a dead Sam, but it's a close call.
St. Pauli Girl-- Absolutely brutal. Case in point: we had a party in November – three months ago – this wank showed up with a six pack of this shit. It's still in our fridge. We can't find anyone to drink it without completely insulting them. I'm afraid I'll get beat up if a local gang finds out that I'm housing St. Pauli Girl. Let's keep this on the down low.
|
|
= Worst 
Tune in later this week as Preston continues through the world of fine malt beverages...
The Fellas
Contact Us
Use Wisely