Beer

Welcome to the third in our series of beer reviews. We'll continue this week with the 'malt liquor' section: Preston writes the commentary, and Alix chimes in with his award-winning accurate rating system.

Rating System:
Taste: This is easy. How does it taste?
Clout: What kind of whallop is packed in this bottle?
Goggle-Meter: How quickly will this beer improve the appearance of the opposite sex?
Chick Factor: How effeminate does drinking this beverage make you?

Scale:
= Worst = Best

Olde English 800 - one of the original malt liquors, good ol '8 ball' will kick your ass if you let it. Brewed over charcoal (according to the label), it never seems cold enough, and has a brutal after-kick. On New Years, the Phenomenon and I polished off bottles of OE High Gravity, and that was all she wrote. Whew.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Mickey's - Mickey's is really a kind of "starter" malt liquor. Not much punch, and it won't really hurt you, but you can tell your friends you downed a 40oz with the homies. It's smooth and will do in a pinch, but the cartoon bee gives you an idea of the target market here (read: women).

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

St. Ides - St. Ides is a top-shelf malt liquor, and for good reason. Strong, without the negative ass-kicking of, say, Olde English or Colt 45. Of course, once you're finished with the bottle, you can't stand up, but you can't feel it going down.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Colt 45 - Billy Dee Williams was one tough customer to have the balls to serve this to female guests. Smooth to the initial taste, with a powerful aftertaste and double-vision. Try Colt Double-Malt if you hate life.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Mongoose - this should be called "Ass Beating In a Can." Hard to find, it comes only in a 32oz can, with a picture of a mongoose eating a cobra. A fucking cobra! I'd like to think that it's a derogatory commentary on one of its main competitors, but this beast can back it up. It makes me cry.

• Taste ZERO!
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor Most men run screaming from Mongoose, let alone women.

Country Club - Country Club is old-school malt liquor…plain white can, which looks just innocent enough to attract drunk people and rednecks. Not every good at all, and definitely not cool.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Schlitz Blue Bull - this is an exquisite malt liquor. The Blue Bull is for the refined malt liquor enthusiast who is not swayed by advertising or misleading marketing tactics. Smooth, subtle yet strong, and never fails to satisfy, even to the last drop.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Hurricane - yikes.

Lakeport - this blows. You can only find it in California, from what I discern, although it's made in Canada. It should be made in hell. It's awful. Awful. I'm getting all worked-up.

• Taste Even worse than Mongoose, which is saying something. At least Mongoose has a cool can.
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor If you ever see a chick drinking this, you should give her back her field hockey stick, then run for your life

King Cobra - a second-tier malt-liquor, but still very good in a pinch. I've marinated steaks in it before, and it provides the kind of tenderness of which Barry White can only dream. Tries to be bad ass, but just doesn't have the punch. We'll forgive it, because it ain't too bad.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Steel Reserve - This is all you need to know about Steel Reserve: it makes people angry. I once drank two cans of it, then almost tried to steal $5,000 worth of turntables from a party. I don't even like turntables; I just wanted to steal. This is Mongoose with a better geographical distribution.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Part II of the beer review: Micro Beers

Part I of the beer review: Macro Beers