Beer

Welcome to the second in our series of beer reviews. We'll continue this week with the 'micro' beer section: Preston writes the commentary, and Alix chimes in with his award-winning accurate rating system.

Rating System:
Taste: This is easy. How does it taste?
Clout: What kind of whallop is packed in this bottle?
Goggle-Meter: How quickly will this beer improve the appearance of the opposite sex?
Chick Factor: How effeminate does drinking this beverage make you?

Scale:
= Worst = Best

Sam Adams – Sam's is kind of like the Budweiser of "micro" brews…everyone knows it, and everyone buys it, but how many people actually like it? Therefore, I'd like to break it out into two categories: Sam's Lager, and Every Other Flavor.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Every Other Flavor: This is where Mr. Adams shows his muscle.
The Seasonal Ales (Winter, Summer, Spring):
Boston Ale – beautiful and smooth…it’s been available roughly five years.
Scotch Ale – it’s no longer made, which is a shame. Malty and dark, with one of the coolest labels in beer history
Old Fezziwig -- Our friend Scott, a Sam Adams employee, tried to smuggle this for us one time from the office Christmas party; they don't make this anymore either. It was their holiday beer, and it was ridiculously good; we're talking "Josie Bissett on Melrose Place when she had the shoulder-length hair" good. This baffles me, I mean seriously. It's like if the Lakers forced Shaq into retirement during his prime. I'm very upset right now.
These beers are exceptional. If you want something fruity, you can sometimes find the Cranberry Lambic. Just steer clear of Cherry Wheat…tastes ok (I didn't say that) but you might get beat up.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Bass-- Bass is an English lager that ironically can't be found anywhere in England. It's a good brew, an ale that's thick without being chewy, and a pleasant aftertaste. Not too heavy. It's tough to drink a lot of them at once, which might be a good thing.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Pete's Wicked-- the chief rival of Sam Adams, and better in many respects. For one, it sports a twist-off cap (get off your high horse, Sam), and the Winter Lager and Oktoberfest versions are splendid. I think they also make an India Pale Ale. They should never make that.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Newcastle-- everyone loves Newcastle, and rightfully so. Even Saddleranch on Sunset (Come Ogle the Hot Waitresses, but go home with the girl who fell off the mechanical bull!) serves Newcastle, albeit warmly. A great beer when you just want to kick back, watch football, and taste history.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Guinness-- Ah, Guinness, how I love thee. So smooth and malty, and it never disappoints. One must be careful when ordering Guinness, however, because the pour is a fine art. The further away from Ireland, the tougher the pour. There is a bar in Richmond named Sharky's that serves Guinness in plastic cups. I am not even going to address the atrocity.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Murphy's-- Murphy's is like that ex of yours, the one you keep around for the sex but you’ll always ditch if someone hotter comes along. I'll drink Murphy's if I need stout and there's no Guinness, but never in place of Guinness. It's sweeter and not as thick, almost watery at times. Unnerving.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Caffrey's-- Caffrey's Irish Ale is relatively new to the American market, though I've been drinking it across the pond for years. It's got the consistency of Guinness, but it's very light and creamy. Excellent – but again, beware of the shithead behind the bar who's just bartending to get chicks. Don't let him get near this.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Blue Moon Belgian White-- Blue Moon Belgian White, it's been quite a love affair, hasn't it? Hands down, my favorite beverage on the planet. Hints of orange peel and coriander, it's the king of Belgian ales. Brewed by Coors, you can often call them up and get them to send you free hat if you tell them how much you love it. I've done this several times.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Sierra Nevada-- eh, why bother. I will tolerate this, but only if it's the only thing in a person's fridge. If you want a high-class beer, at least choose something palatable.

• Taste
• Clout
• Goggle-Meter
• Chick Factor

Part I of the beer review: Macro Beers