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"Rated Next"Reviewed by The Continental I believe an introduction may be in order. For those that don't already know, I am The Continental. You may now be asking yourself what exactly I do at The Paper Bag Review. Well, to put it quit simply, from week to week I travel the great U.S. of A. (i.e. the alias) to bring you my thoughts, ideas, and experiences as it applies to the music that deserves a most coveted spot in your collection. Again, as with all PBR columnists who pride themselves as being voices for the people, I'm no expert in the actual meaning of the word. But, I do believe that my input may open up some different avenues of musical road for you to travel. So, enough small talk - let's get down to business. "Rated Next" by NEXT. Let me ask you a question: Have you ever heard something so nasty, so straight to the point, so "what goes on in your mind whenever you meet a fine lady?" I have, I have indeed! It comes disguised under the innocent moniker of NEXT. A 5 x 5.5-inch square case that when unleashed offers up a no-nonsense look at the male - female relationship at its most basic level. I mean, what do you really think when you meet a sweet honey? She's really smart, or what a great personality? PLEASE !!! You calculate hotness, and the probability of bedding her down. It's called the male instinct. Don't fight it. Don't deny it. Enjoy and revel in it. With that explained, let's get to what you’re here for. Its a story of a boy, a fine ass lady, and how each track on NEXT's first disk, "Rated Next", turned out to tell the story of the night. Names and places have been deleted to protect the innocent. Now let me break it down for you. Track 1: Intro: From the get go, the fellas, along with some tasty female sound effects, let you know what's on tap for the evening. I get a little giggle from the evenings company. A good start. Track2: Too Close: The tune that put the guys on the map. I was on the map as well, If you know what I'm sayin'. A little slow groovin' at this point, and as the first line in this masterpiece puts it, "I wonder if she can tell I'm hard right now?" I believe she could. The night is progressing quite nicely. Track3: Butta love: Here's where the compliments start fly. Just keep one ear on the track, and let NEXT guide you through this stage. I mean, how could any lady resist hearing "you've got those sexy eyes, enticing thighs, you make me rise". Wow!!! We have a winner. The night is definitely coming together. Track4: My Place: Here's a real nice, mellow slow jam. Just enough time to let your lady recover and catch her breath after the smooth-as-a-fine-wine set of compliments. The night continues on. Track5: Cozy: Time for a little tour of the pad - discriminately highlighting the location of the bedroom, of course. Back to the living room for another drink and some small talk. You should probably take another hint from NEXT, and throw in some "I'm not all about that boom boom, that zoom zoom, I just want to chill". It puts the ladies at ease, which is a necessity for the next step. Here we go. Track6: Penetration: Is there any reason to try and explain this? Where's the night at now? Take a look at the track title. Life does imitate art. Enough said!!!!!!!!! Track7 & 8: You Are My High / I Still Love You: Simply pillow talk, baby. Now it’s time to start with the distraction tactics. These tracks are a bit too serious for the mood of the evening, so play it cool and bide your time until Track 9 when the night gets back on time. If you know what I'm sayin'. Track9: Stop, Drop, & Roll: Again, no explanation needed. Get round 2 underway, but keep an ear out for the money lines that appear at the minute and two minute marks. Certified Golden. Tracks10, 11,12,13: Represent Me /Next Experience /Problems /Do You Think About Me: They definitely knew what they were doing when they dropped these tracks together – it's called chill music. I think a 15-to-20-minute nap at this point is very appropriate, and it comes highly recommended by your friend, The Continental. Track14: Admit The Rat: This one's an eye-opener. When you hear it you'll know what I mean. Anyway, I must wake up. Time for late night talk session, so the evening ends nicely. I get to it. Track15: Sexitude: Admittedly the finest track on the disk, and possibly their masterwork. The pure genius of combining the words "sexy" and "attitude", and putting it to work for them. At this point it's time it starts to work for me. Anyway, I let her know what made me dig her in the first place, with a little help from the men of NEXT. What girl can resist a line like "All that and this, some say that you’re a bitch, but you've got the shit I wanna get with, you've got that sexitude". That's a clincher. How could she not want to spend another night with yours truly? I now send her on her way. Track16: Taste So Good: This track really needed to be grouped with tracks 6 and 7. No explanation necessary. I must mention the lead-in on this track though, or I could never forgive myself. "Please play at low volumes. Preferably while having sex." Just how I like it -- no beating around the bush. Hell, yeah!! Track17: Phone Sex: Well, as I've used my NEXT dating tactics in the past, I've come to expect the inevitable. The one - two punch of The Continental and NEXT sometimes proves too powerful an experience for the ladies, and they must have more. So, more often than not, I receive a call when the night’s company arrives at home for what else, but – you guessed it -- phone sex. Track18: Rock On: Exactly !!! Another night, another lady, and I'd like to think that I've added just a little bit of joy to her life. It's a curse, but one I'm more than happy to live with. UNTIL NEXT TIME.... |
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