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Six Flags Magic MountainReviewed by Salazar Labor Day may have brought an end to the summer for most folks across the land, but for Sidearms and myself, it was just the day before the best day of the year to hit a major theme park. Seeing as how Disneyland and Six Flags Magic Mountain are usually bombarded with hoards of screaming children, slow-walking foreigners, thugz, and melanin-challenged garbage, the day after a major holiday is the perfect time to go and efficiently receive a much higher ride-per-minute return. With most schools back in session, September 3 was circled on our calendars as the day to hit the coasters and report back to the reading audience a nice synopsis of where to spend time in line, and what yack-soaked rides to avoid. (Factor in that this trip was sponsored by AOL.com, saving us over $80 in entrance fees and we'd pretty much go any day of the year.) Naturally, this being a quest of the two youngest Baggers, we needed to set some ground rules: First, having a good time is infinitely more important than riding some vomit-comet that makes every passenger beg and plead for a faster way to die. Second, time and intelligence is of the essence so we will not wait for over 10 minutes for any ride. Lastly, we must be economically sound in our decision making, which generally rules out any nutrient consumption at theme park fees and any 'specialty' rides that require payment of a hidden fee (Meaning that the $45-complete-with-a-video-of-the-proceedings two-man bungee was out, and quite frankly, I'm never tying my body to Sidearms' just to ride a bungee.) Similar to the Stroh's project, at some point we would also have to set some completely asinine and somewhat unachievable goal to grant us some sense of accomplishment. Let the games begin. We'll take this review ride-by-ride, naturally bobbing and weaving through the foot traffic and pointless lines to make sure you know exactly which stops to make on your next journey. Most of the ride names are specific to Six Flags Magic Mountain here in scenic Valencia, California, but I'm sure you can pinpoint a similar apparatus in your neck of the woods. Colossus The original granddaddy of wooden coasters, this one-time steep sloping jet-setter is most famous as seen in the final scene of National Lampoon's Vacation. With a speedy initial climb up to a nice moderate hill, followed by a serious of drastic dips and not-so-welcomed elbow and knee bruising bumps, it was only 20 seconds before we both knew that this was going to be our ride of choice for the afternoon. Only 1 minute after our first lap around the track and we were back "in line" (quote usage only because there were only about 80 non-employees in the park so the threat of a line didn't arise at all) looking to experience the coaster from the all important front seat. Viper Leading the life of a Bagger, I'm known to throw caution to the wind. There are very few escapades I won't try and even fewer standardized rules I follow: don't drink from a beer in a bar unless you've been holding it all night long; no unprotected sex with a porn star; always dribble three times before a free throw; and most importantly: never ride a roller coaster or airplane if you see a mechanic performing major work on said ride earlier in the day. The long, menacing Viper fell into this category and only for a brief moment did I even fathom getting on this dawg. My guess is that had I ridden it, I would have thought it was scary. Log Jammer In the scorching, indian summer heat of early September, nothing is more welcomed than a nice cool water ride. The Log Jammer is the classic "wander around the water in a pointless maze until you get to some steep drop" ride in a form-hugging toboggan suitable for two to five adults. While the first of two steep drops leaves you thirsting for more recycled water, the second is sure to get a dab or two of dampness onto your legs. Not enough to make you want to peel back the ozone layer, but at least your hairs don't spontaneously combust for a half hour. At this point in the day, two things have become apparent: Colossus is our favorite ride, and we need an unachievable goal. At this point, we know that we want to live through the dipping sensation in the pit of our stomach at a reasonable rate. It dawns on us that the ill placed Colossus is the only coaster on its' side of the park and that the walk back and forth to other rides is hurting our efficiency. After riding it for the third time, it is clear to both of us that we are not done, and the goal is born: We Will Ride Colossus 10 (ten) Times Today! If only we had a fire brewed Stroh's to commemorate the concept. Deja Vu From just outside the line, you can see a treacherous sequence of loops, corkscrews and dips leading to the end of the track lying in the air where the coaster pops it into 'R' and does the entire ride in reverse. You must be kidding me, this has all the makings of a hangover without the fun drinking part the night before. Gold Rusher Now this is more like it! This little yellow-engine-that-could of a coaster was the first built in the park over 30 years ago. Its an exhilirating ride for any passenger under 30 inches tall. Its almost odd to see this 'ride' considered a roller coaster amongst its bohemoth brethren. Long past its glory days, the Gold Rusher is now best described as a breather to anyone looking for a step back from all the ad nauseum. Time to recoup with a couple more rides of Colossus. Up to six on the day, and for the first time, we're starting to feel its sullen effects on our dehydrated and exhausted selves. Clearly, it was not a bright idea to get the best viewpoint of the front seat early in our quest, as our remaining train seats all leave for a crappy after taste. Can we seal the deal and lock up these final four rides, or has the great white wooden coaster defeated us? And what of the new age rides still remaining in the park, the steel monsters of Batman, Riddler's Revenge and X, which just seem unhealthy? Its all here at the Paper Bag Review tomorrow, as Sidearms finishes up this review. Cheers, |
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