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"The OC"
Millions of Americans were glued to their television sets. At times it felt like the fate of our great nation hung in the balance of what we saw before us. So many had given their all to bring assurance to everyone.
I'm talking, of course, about Fox's new gripping drama, "The O.C."
Preston Seider is a simple man. His few needs are beer, ladies, women, the avenue to mention himself in the third person, and quality nighttime dramas built around a cast of characters so realistic that he can call them his own. Being a California man himself, he can't help but relate to the trials and tribulations of the inhabitants of Newport Beach, CA. It reminded him of the Golden Years on the Fox Network, the "wheelhouse years" (circa 1994-1997) of his favorite show of all time, "Melrose Place."
We all remember "Melrose Place", don't we (seamless transition to the second person storytelling, I'm sure you noticed)? Apartment-dwellers of 4616 Melrose Place transfixed a nation for eight seasons, and countless Nighttime Drama Analysts agree that it was but one man, one legendary television character, who carried the show on his back into creative infamy. I'm speaking, of course, of Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner).
Unfortunately, creators of "The O.C." lacked the foresight or vision to hire The Greatest Actor In History, Jack Wagner. Can this neophyte show possibly survive? Apparently the writers are hoping that while they most likely couldn't afford Mr. Wagner's hefty base salary, tying enough of the storyline to "Melrose"-like characters and events could save the day. Will it work? On to the analysis.
Characters:
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Ryan Atwood
(Played by TV's Benjamin MacKenzie)
We all know the story: Ryan grew up on the wrong side of the streets, or state, in Chino, CA and was taken into the Cohen family home in hopes that he could build a better life. "The O.C." currently focuses on Ryan's struggles with rich suburban culture and shortage of wife beaters. The show's success is dependent on this premise, and while BMac has been called "The Next Russell Crowe," he's hardly Australian. How long can he stay angry before we grow weary of his problems? How long before he breaks down and punches Seth? How in the hell can you explain looking irritated all the time when Marissa is constantly throwing herself at him?
Melrose Parallel: Rugged Jake Hanson was angry for roughly 90% of the Melrose episodes. There wasn't a fight he would turn down; at the same time, he was always there to rescue the damsel in distress, as we found Ryan doing when poor young Marissa OD's in Tijuana. Jake was originally intended to be the heartthrob of "Melrose Place" until he was upstaged by none other than Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner). We'll see how long Ryan lasts.
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Marissa Cooper
(Mischa Barton)
The All-American girl next door is actually hindered by several problems: her All-American boyfriend Luke cheated on her, her parents are divorcing, and her dad is Tate Donovan. She's attracted to Ryan because he's the first person to look past the apparent rosy exterior of her life and get to know the "real" her. Personally I think this storyline can be advanced more rapidly via continuous bikini/makeout scenes with her and Summer. Have no fear; I'm already drafting a letter to Fox.
Melrose Parallel: Great, it's only my second bullet point and I'm already stuck. But how hot is Mischa Barton, seriously? It only took that bastard Enrique three seconds to discover her and make out with her in a video. Pesky Latino.
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Seth Cohen
(Adam Brody)
Seth is the neighborhood nerd whom we all know is the guy female viewers are secretly rooting for. He's just so damn cute and adorable and naive. Unfortunately, he's also a bitch. We can see now how he's slowly winning over the girl of his dreams, Summer; FYI, there is no chance this happens in a real-life high school. The real-life Summer turns a guy like Seth down for Homecoming three years in a row, only to become a distant memory as Seth begins writing years later for the world's most popular entertainment website. Of course you're rooting for him now; you're 25 and realize that jocks are idiots. Where the hell were you ten years ago?
Damn right I'm bitter.
Melrose Parallel: Dr. Michael Mancini was originally the perfect husband to Jane Mancini, until the writers found it more interesting to be a philandering punk. I fully expect Seth to nail Mrs. Cohen by the end of season 2.
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Sandy Cohen:
(Peter Gallagher)
As a seasoned journalist, I can get through this entire bit without talking about his eyebrows, I swear. Anyway, he's the "patriarch" of the show; takes Ryan in, calms down his wife, doesn't beat Seth for being almost-gay. He also surfs and has huge eyebrows.
Shit.
Melrose Parallel: Matt Fielding. Although I don't think Sandy is gay, he's also never really going to do anything wrong. The worst Matt ever got was when he was addicted to speed in med school, facilitating his relationship with Dr. Dan Hathaway, leading to a hilarious bit where Matt got beat up by the guy from "My Two Dads." As payment, Matt married Sydney in real life and knocked her up.
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Kirsten Cohen
(Kelly Rowan)
I can't tell if I think she's hot or not. She appears way to young to be Seth's mom. Sometimes she's a bit sexy, other times she looks like she's got too many miles on her. Not a very exciting character by any stretch.
Melrose Parallel: Alison Parker. A goody-goody who was too damn boring, and while she was hot in "Summer School" it was too close to call on this show.
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Summer Roberts
(Rachel Bilson)
The only thing she ever does wrong is call Marissa "Coop", which is irritating. Is it ever OK for girls to give each other "witty" nicknames? Imagine if Katie Holmes insisted on being called "KT" or something. I think that would be grounds for me cyber-stalking someone new. That said, Summer is blazing hot, and Rachel went to high school about five miles from where I live. Giddy up!!
Melrose Parallel: Jane Mancini during her shoulder-length hair period reminds me a lot of Summer, because Jane was a knockout. But she killed Richard. But he had it coming.
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Luke Ward
(Chris Carmack)
The high school stud, athlete, and the guy every regular high school kid hates. He lost Marissa to an angry little person, and is an atrocious actor.
Melrose Parallel: Billy Campbell. Andrew Shue is the reigning "Worst Television Actor of All-Time" and while we're not ready to put Mr. Carmack in that category, I just wanted to mention Billy. Remember when he was trying to act on the verge of breaking down during Brooke's eulogy? That was hilarious.
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Marissa's Parents
(Tate Donovan and Mindy Clarke)
You know Mr. Cooper is going to bag him some jailbait by the end of this season. He really is a nice guy but he makes bad choices. His wife fucking blows.
Melrose Parallel: Kyle and Taylor McBride. They arrived to Melrose during the later lean years. Kyle was a good guy yet got caught up in the wrong deals; Taylor (played by Lisa Rinna) was absolutely loathesome.
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Well, there you have it. I talked about Dr. Peter Burns, "The O.C.", and myself in one complete article. I also tricked the readers into thinking I was making some sort of point. You should all know me well enough by now.
Rock on.
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The Fellas