"Wild On..."

1. Provide up-to-date and late-breaking information about celebrities and the entertainment world
2. Soft-core porn

Both are fine in my book, and E! does them both well. One can turn on "E! News Daily" or "True Hollywood Story" for some hard-hitting news and analysis, then stick around for Howard Stern (sandwiched between "Girls Gone Wild! commercials) and most importantly, "Wild On...", one of the greatest guilty pleasures in the history of television.

In September E! ended its exhaustive six-month "search" for a new host to replace the incomparable Brooke Burke, and settled on Cindy Taylor, a 25-year-old model from Paraguay. Since her on-air debut in December, something seems to be lacking. I don't know if the premise is stale, or if Cindy just doesn't have what it takes, but it brings me to one major question: "Would this be a good enough excuse for me to write about hot chicks?" Let's find out by analyzing the hosts of "Wild On..."

1. Jules Asner Born: 1968 Education: UCLA Was in Playboy: Yes, or at least I found pictures of her trying out during a "Playmate Search"

Jules was the original host of "Wild On..." while also hosting "E! News Daily" with Steve Kmetko. Steve was the "Kurt Loder" of E! -- an original anchor, friendly on the outside but one who interviewed with an air of superiority. Jules was the perfect foil, in that she was hot, goofy, down-to-earth and interesting. She put "Wild On..." on the map, setting the standard to which all future hosts must measure up. She was fearless, insightful, and would walk anywhere in a bikini.

She has since graduated to host "Revealed," which is a crappy interview show where she basically sits in a chair and throws softballs at celebrity guests. We don't want to hear about Sarah Michelle Gellar's struggles on "All My Children" ten years ago; we want Sarah to squirm in her chair because she knows the hard-hitting Asner is eventually going to kick it Geraldo-style with "Did you ever think that one day you'd marry an actor worse than Chris Klein?"

2. Brooke Burke Born: 1971 Education: UCLA Was In Playboy: Yes

It's going to be hard to discuss Brooke rationally, but as an impartial journalist I must try. Brooke succeeded Jules as the "Wild On..." host and, as we like to say about Salazar in Vegas, took this joint to the next level. Her secular vision, approachable attitude, and mind-blowing physical attractiveness raised the bar to such atmospheric levels that it's quite possible her mere existence doomed the show from the beginning.

Brooke was not only comfortable wearing a swimsuit in every episode, she also got drunk in almost every episode. Who could forget the scene where Brooke and Art Mann (more on him in a minute) sat down drinking ten shots of the locals' best tequila, until Brooke could barely stand up? That's our girl! In an effort to avoid hyperbole and incoherent babbling, I'm going to move on.

Unfortunately for us, after Brooke gave birth last year to her second child with her "plastic surgeon husband" (yeah right; Brooke Burke is to Plastic Surgeon as Preston Seider is to Womanizer Consultant) Brooke left "Wild On..." to focus on "Rank", a show which reminds me of those episodes of "Friends" where they're to lazy to write a new script so they have one of those "remember when?" episodes, and just show flashbacks. Plus, Brooke never wears a bikini anymore. I'm too depressed to go on.

Honorable Mention: Art Mann

This wouldn't be a complete analysis without mentioning the smoothest dork who ever lived, Art Mann. He traveled the world with Brooke, having to pretend the entire time that he wasn't secretly doing everything in his power to try and seduce her. He had to be the goofy, unassuming white boy at all times; making groups of drunk hot chicks think he wasn't just hitting on them, and making groups of drunk fat chicks think he wasn't just talking to them because it's his job. Every time there was a scene in which the lovely Brooke got hammered, you could almost hear his thoughts: "Why God Why??? Why must you torture me so???!!" Props, my man. Moving along.

3. Cindy Taylor Born: 1977 Education: I'm not sure Was in Playboy: I don't think so

Something's just not right; E! spends six months searching for a new host, and we end up with this? Don't get me wrong (especially if she's reading)...Cindy is quite beautiful and seems to like swimsuits. She just seems to just be ripping off Brooke's mannerisms and Jules' delivery, all the while going to places we've already been before. Do we really need another "Wild On..." Washington DC? I'm sure it's in the works.

It's tough to get excited when someone has a weak smile on her face and is deadpanning "Are you sure you're ready for the craziness in Japan I hope so let's find out." Maybe it's too early to tell. Maybe we need to give Cindy time. If you're going to follow a legend, you need to create your own style, not just repeat what's been done before. You can't just wear a bikini, drink a few shots, and talk about your surroundings...Brooke and Jules already did that, and they did it well. You've gotta give us something special, like be really slutty or something. How much more exciting would that show be if we tuned in and realized "Holy shit! It's the host who puts out in every episode! And it's "Wild On The Hermosa Estate!" I know I would be.

Well, I've successfully discussed hot chicks in yet another column, avoiding any sort of definition conclusion which would make you disagree with me, and I believe was my original purpose. Rock on.