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2003 American League Baseball Preview |
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Anyone who has ever known me can tell you that I was never very good at baseball. When you're 8 years old and wearing adult-sized jock straps, you're going to draw some attention, and it can get embarrassing. That said, I know a lot about getting to third base, if you know what I'm saying.
Seeing as how my beloved Detroit Tigers are in the American League, I tend to follow the teams very closely -- or at least until the Tigers are out of the playoff picture. That usually happens around 7pm opening day. New York Yankees As good as the Yankees have been in recent years, they were 0-10 last year against the Tigers*. As a result, GM Brian Cashman wanted to spend the off-season stockpiling even more help to beat their rivals**. Instead, the Yankees family has been full of turmoil, what with the David Wells book (wherein he claimed to have slept with 20,000 women while inventing the internet), and George Steinbrenner publicly chastising Derek Jeter for partying too much. Had George maintained his focus, he would have instead chastised Derek for nailing Mariah Carey. She's turning into the Stevie Nicks of our generation. And I don't mean that in a good way. Regardless, they’ll win the East. Toronto Blue Jays If Eric Hinske can avoid the dreaded ‘sophomore slump’, Toronto could have a chance. They need Carlos “El Flaco” Delgado to pick it up after a down year, and Shannon Stewart to remain consistent as an offensive threat. Look out for designated hitter Josh Phelps, who comes from a long line of major league Phelps’, including Ken Phelps and Bob Feller. Boston Red Sox You gotta love Red Sox fans. If they're not bitching about how shitty the team is, then they're bitching about how shitty the team used to be. That said, this is a potent Red Sox offense, with Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez, and Nomah. The pitching looks good on paper -- perennial winner Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, and Tim Wakefield (he’s not good, but throws a knuckler) -- but I think this is going to be a tough year. Lowe strikes me as a flash in the pan, and Pedro's health has been declining every year. To make things worse, they released Rich "El Guapo" Garces. Never a good move to release a fan favorite, no matter how many runs he gives up. Baltimore Orioles The Orioles still have a few more shitty years to go before the curse I put on them in 1995 has expired. I hate Brady Anderson, I hate Robbie Alomar Jr, and I don’t even like Cal Ripken. Yeah, that’s right. Silent Cal was barely mediocre for six years, yet they couldn’t bench him because of his stupid record. Current shortstop Deivi Cruz would play 15 years straight if someone was stupid enough to let him. Look for Gary Matthews Jr. to have a stellar year, patrolling the outfield with Bob Dernier Jr. and Keith Moreland Jr. Tampa Bay Devil Rays I’ll come right out and say it: if you have read this far into my Devil Rays preview, you’re an idiot or you’re lost. Central Detroit Tigers A quick example of how brutal the last ten years have been in Tigertown: the only thing exciting the fans this year is the coaching staff. Former Tiger greats Alan Trammell, Kirk Gibson, and Lance Parrish are running the show. Jack Morris is a TV commentator. All we need now is Chet Lemon, but rumor has it he’s almost 75 years old. That’s how long it’s been since the Tigers were good. God damn it. However, I’m an optimist: Bobby Higginson is pretty decent every few years, Carlos Pena has potential, and Dmitri Young is a tough out when he’s not battling a torn labia. Twenty-year-old pitcher Jeremy Bonderman is being thrust into the starting rotation, which could prove positive. Or negative. At any rate, I predict first-place for the Tigers this year. Minnesota Twins Torii Hunter and Co. proved last year that not all Minnesota players are glaucoma-stricken adulterers. I for one am tired of this relentless smear campaign against Kirby Puckett. Who played with more heart and charisma in the 80’s and 90’s (except for all of the Tigers)? With pudgy Kirby giving it his all and Frank “No, I wasn’t one of the villians in ‘Home Alone’” Viola on the mound, it was a great team to watch. Minnesota will make the playoffs, but won’t beat out the Tigers for first place. Chicago White Sox Although Frank Thomas continues to prove he belongs in the Colossal Bitch Hall of Fame, the Sox have a shot this year. They signed free-agent ace Bartolo Colon, whom we last heard was imprisoned in Canada. Paul Konerko is a solid leader, and Carlos Lee is going to be a star. The wild-card is their bullpen: Oakland castoff Billy Koch blows more leads than budget porn star, and Tom Gordon was good six years ago, before ten arm surgeries. In any other division, the White Sox are going to contend. Unfortunately, their division has the Detroit Tigers. Cleveland Indians I don’t know a lot about the Indians this season, I’m not going to lie. But they have proven that Ellis Burks is still alive. I’ll tell you though, if Roger Dorn lets one more ball through is legs at third base, I’m going to lose my shit. Fourth place, or three places behind the Detroit Tigers. Kansas City Royals I don’t know a lot about the Royals this season, I’m not going to lie. Mike Sweeney, Raul Ibanez, and Carlos Beltran are studs, but it’s tough to remain focused when there’s a 50/50 chance every season that you’ll be switching teams. The hidden gem on this squad is bench player Dee Brown, who can dunk a basketball with his eyes closed. But not if he was being guarded by any of the Detroit Tigers. West Oakland Athletics Well, they’ve pissed off reigning AL MVP Miguel Tejada by telling him that he’s not going to get a contract offer, so they’ve got that going for them. You’ve gotta think that Eric Chavez has seen enough; I know they’re a small-market team, but you can only continue to ride your young farm studs without paying big money for so long. Or, maybe that will continue to work. I’m not a baseball general manager, although I am handsome. As for this year, Mark Mulder + Tim Hudson + Barry Zito – Billy Koch = First Place. Anaheim Angels The year after winning a championship is always the toughest year for a young squad. They have to make the transition from “Nobody gave us any respect” to “We’re still not getting any respect.” The outlook is ominous so far this pre-season, as Troy Glaus has an injured wrist, and Jared Washburn has some sort of injury or ailment. But rest assured, folks: this is the only Angels article you’ll read this spring that doesn’t mention David Eckstein and how he’s short and overcomes adversity BLAH BLAH BLAH. You’d think Jim Nance was running the baseball department at some of these magazines. Seattle Mariners “Hello, you’ve reached the offices of the Seattle Mariners. No one is here to answer your call right now, as we’re all attending the Marv Levy ‘You are never going to win anything’ Seminar. Please leave a message.” Texas Rangers Answer: ARod! Raffi Palmiero! Chan Hizzo! Buck Showalter! Question: Name four Texas Rangers employees who, no matter how good they can be, cannot overcome the Bitch Factor brought on by the presence of MOTHER FUCKING WHORE JUAN GONZALEZ. YOU FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU. Mike Young is one of the best defensive second basemen in the game, and Carl Everett is crazy. Preston Seider * Numbers estimated based on Playstation results ** Rivals here assumed to be the Detroit Tigers, although this may in fact be inaccurate |
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