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P Money's College Pick 'Em
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I imagine that many of you are reading this article from a friend's house or the library, as you've most likely lost your home, car, wife, and kids on account of not having my Money Picks thus far into the college season, and therefore betting your life savings based on the predictions of yahoos like Kirk Herbstreit and Jimmy the Greek, even though he's dead. Well there's a method to my madness, folks. I spend the first three months of the season analyzing teams, learning their nuances and tendencies, so that you can bet the mother lode come November. Or, I'm lazy.
On to this week's picks: Texas A&M vs (1) Oklahoma Dennis "Turncoat Jenkins" Franchione leads the Aggies into Norman, OK to take on the likely Sugar Bowl-bound Sooners. Jason White is getting a lot of Heisman hype, mostly because he's on a really good team. I'm not saying he's not good, but he's got two wack knees and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do know, however, that Oklahoma beat the piss out of OSU last week, and Texas A&M beat the Sooners last year. So they're pissed and stuff. Oklahoma 55, Aggies 4 (17) Tennessee vs (7) Miami Man, what has happened to the Volunteers. I believe they're one of the suckiest 6-2 teams in the land. Duke held them to 9 points last week for an eternity it seems (based on my ESPN Bottom Line ticker) before they scored 14 in the fourth quarter and pulled it out after a questionable pass interference call on Cherokee Parks. Miami was cruising this year until they received the beatdowm last week at Lane Stadium by the Hokies. Brock Berlin or Brock Landers, either is going to paste Tennessee in the Orange Bowl. Miami 37, Tennessee 9 (15) Michigan State vs (6) Ohio State Ah, the Spartans are smarting after losing to my Wolverines last weekend, and losing a chance for the Rose Bowl. Ohio State is smarting from 65 consecutive weeks as "The Worst Team to Watch in College Football." They are college football's answer to the 2000 Baltimore Ravens, 1994 New York Knicks, or the 1950-Present New York Giants. Luckily out here on the West Coast we get every Ohio State-Indiana showdown the world will allow on television. Jeff Smoker. What an unfortunate name. MSU 28, OSU 27 (11) Texas vs (22) Oklahoma State Texas has resorted to freshman QB Vince Young, a mobile playmaker, in favor of incumbent Chance Mock, who I'm pretty sure was in "Varsity Blues" (played by TV's James Van Der Forehead). How many receiving yards do you think Roy Williams would have if he had been around during the Major Applewhite years? That guy was a feisty midget but damn he made some plays. Instead he's been stuck with Chris "Plays Like Molly" Simms, a guy who turns down a girl wearing whipped cream, or a quarterback, Vince Young, who was on 90210? Maybe I'm getting confused. OSU 45, Texas 38 (10) Iowa vs (14) Purdue Man, this could be 1 vs 2 and I don't think anybody would watch. I'm still pissed at Iowa for getting killed in the Orange Bowl last year, fueling the fire for all of the "Maybe this year I'll be an USC fan!" idiots in Los Angeles. The Hawkeyes travel to West Lafayette to take on the Boilermakers, coached by former Wyoming head coach and Quaker Oats spokesman Joe Tiller. The real question is, How long before my readers become bored with my incessant television references as a means to discuss something other than a boring game? Iowa 6, Purdue 3 (5) Virginia Tech vs (21) Pittsburgh This game is going to be bad ass. Pittsburgh has a decent defense, and they have senior QB Rod Rutherford throwing absolute bombs to wide-out Larry Fitzgerald. I can't believe this guy is going to lose the Heisman to Jason White. LF could catch a handjob at a Melissa Etheridge wedding; he's that good. Hokies quarterback Marcus Vick won the starting job from Bryan Randall last week, because Marcus' brother plays in the NFL. What the hell is that? Why not go all the way, and hire Lucy Vermeil to coach, or Stacy Urlacher to shore up your defense? I'm not sure I'm even making sense, but if there really is a Lucy Vermeil, I'll bet you she's not hot. Pittsburgh 35, Virginia Tech 29 (3) Florida State vs Clemson It's amazing how a school like Clemson can continue to have a profitable football program, when every year they just flat-out suck. At any rate, Clemson "coach" Tommy Bowden welcomes his father, Bobby "I'm a charming old man so let's all ignore my blatant violations and discretions" Bowden, to Death Valley in what will most likely be their last-ever meeting as opposing coaches. Florida State is somehow ranked 3rd in the latest BCS standings, which is mind-boggling, but not nearly as mind-boggling as how shitty Clemson is. FSU 65, Clemson 13 UCLA vs (13) Washington State The Bruins are quietly tied for the lead in the Pac 10, and by quietly I mean "Nobody gives a shit." WSU is happy to be back in Pullman after traveling to Los Angeles last week and losing to USC in the worst-officiated game in NFL history. Even Vince McMahon was outraged. Expect Cougars QB Matt Kegel to battle through his reported 900 injuries and take the injustice out on the poor, hapless, offense-less Bruins. This feat will be even more amazing considering that Kegel is being counseled this season by his cousin, Ryan Leaf. WSU 42, UCLA 3 SUN BELT GAME OF THE WEEK North Texas vs Louisiana Monroe North Texas continues its reign of terror on the Sun Belt conference this week by traveling to the Bayou State to kick the crap out of LA-MO. Some interesting facts about the Mean Green: 1. They kicked the crap out of Baylor, who kicked the crap out of Colorado. 2. They lost to Oklahoma by less points than both Texas (ranked 11th in the nation) and Oklahoma State (ranked 22nd), and UCLA and Iowa State. 3. UNT QB Scott Hall, according to his team bio, does not have an interest in drawing. Oklahoma QB Jason White does. What a sissy that Jason White is. 4. Running back Patrick Cobbs has already rushed for 1019 yards, averaging 5.6 per carry. Virginia Tech Heisman hopefull Kevin Jones trails Cobbs by 156 yards, and only averages a paltry 5.5 YPC. 5. Dr. Phil went to North Texas. So did this chick on the right, who is a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma and sent her picture to me.*  *Editor's note: this may not be entirely accurate. North Texas 35, LM 7 P-Money |
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