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| Going into my third year as the world's most popular entertainment and news journalist, I knew that my first piece for the Paper Bag Review after our six-month hiatus could be my most important. So much has happened in the last half-year that it's been a difficult decision to choose the most news-worthy. Is it Kobe Bryant's rape trial?* Governor Schwarzenegger? The return of "Melrose Place" reruns on cable? The groundbreaking new drama, Fox's "The O.C."?**
Going into last week, it was a tie between Melrose reruns and my Latest Unattainable Crush, TV's Mischa Barton. Then, the entire state of California caught fire, and it smelled like barbecue all week, so I did some investigating. I also realized that after six months of not writing, my transitions could use some work, but we'll do some exercises later.  You've all heard the statistics: five major fires, over 20 people killed, 700,000 acres burned, and a Monday Night Football game moved to Arizona. I hopped on Interstate 10 and drove 50 miles east to San Bernardino, home of the "Old" and "Grand Prix" fires. After talking to some policemen, I learned that fires are named after the area in which they were started, and therefore this was not a reference to Preston's beloved old 1989 Pontiac Grand Prix, which once caught fire.
I also learned that whoever started this fire is a fucking punk bitch. I'm not going to resort to bullshit media cliches like "this really puts things in perspective", used after a ping pong tournament is cancelled because John Ritter died. That said, it's tough to put into words what it's like to watch a family of four try to fit everything they've ever loved into their station wagon because their house is about to burn down and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it. So Fuck You, Mr. (or Mrs) Firestarter, and I hope you think about that when you burn in Hell, with only the hypocritical screeching of Rosie O'Donnell to comfort you. Some random thoughts: -- It was heartwarming to see Southern California come together at a time like this, most notably the Los Angeles Dodgers, who donated over 1,000 visors and baseball caps to those who lost their homes. Surely this is good news for the families, who would have forever resented the family dog for taking up valuable space in the minivan, which could have been used to save over-priced merchandise from a perennially-disappointing baseball team. -- I know that we as Americans are in good hands when our President takes his sweet-ass time approving federal funding to help fight the wildfires, all because he's too busy pestering Congress to approve $87 billion in additional aid to re-build a country we obliterated based on rumors of terrorism and weapons. For more on this, check out George W. Bush's presidential guidebook, "How To Deflect Attention Away From Your Short-Sighted And Historically Mis-Managed Domestic Policy By Creating A National Atmosphere of Fear and Terror, And By Antagonizing The Shit Out Of Non-Threatening Foreign Lands." Foreward by former Senator Joseph McCarthy. -- Kudos to local newscaster Chuck Henry, of KNBC Channel Four. He and his cameraman drove their news van too close to the rapidly-closing fire in Simi Valley, only to have the van stall as they tried to escape, allowing the fireman to cease helping the pesky victims of the fire in order to save his sorry ass. Luckily viewers were treated with ten minutes of Henry crying like Dick Vermeil on Superbowl Sunday. That is all. I leave you with the following pieces of advice: Cherish each day. Don't start fires in the forest, especially when it hasn't rained in six months. If you start to feel the urge to start a forest fire, do yourself a favor and instead tie an anvil to your feet, then jump off your local pier. And yes, I did try to fit six months of sarcasm into this one piece. Rock on. Preston Seider * Editor's note: This is the last time Kobe's trial will be mentioned within the pages of PBR. For more information, instead turn to CNN, ESPN, MSNBC, Access Hollywood, Eagle County Celebrity Rape Weekly, or Nickelodeon. ** Editor's note: Preston will be covering the most important show in television history, "The O.C.", next week. |
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